


Avoidance and the Unavoidable

by the_pathetic_in_empathetic



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: And angst, F/F, God I can't wait for that book to come out, I don't really know where I'm going with this, I might add some Kadolin later, I really need to make an outline, I'm Bad At Titles, Mostly Fluff, Mutual Pining, Oathbringer era? idk some spoilers ig, Only if I can find the motivation for that tho, Probably more like Rhythm of War era, Sanderson please make this canon, Shasnah - Freeform, and maybe eventual smut, just a bit, oblivious everyone, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25993900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_pathetic_in_empathetic/pseuds/the_pathetic_in_empathetic
Summary: Shallan and Jasnah have not been close lately.  Shallan is avoiding Jasnah because she's tired.  Jasnah is avoiding Shallan because of work.So they claim.
Relationships: Kaladin/Adolin Kholin, Shallan Davar/Jasnah Kholin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	1. Just Tired, Trust Me

Ever since Jasnah had become queen, something had changed in Shallan's perception of her. The way she walked, the way her words almost seemed to flow together, making anything she said sound beautiful and dignified. What could she say? Shallan was entranced. Of course, Radiant had begun noticing Jasnah months before Shallan did, in what she had assumed was a healthy dose of admiration. However, between Jasnah's crown studded with lit spheres that reflected on her wavy dark hair, her deep violet dress that fluttered in the wind, not to mention that unmistakable glint in her eyes that only Jasnah had, which, as far as Shallan could see, never seemed to go away, what was not to like? The woman was gorgeous! But why _now_ , of all times, did Shallan have to fall? She had thought that Adolin was perfect for her, was that connection completely gone? No, Shallan had decided. It had just never been there to start with. She had no experience, prior to Adolin, with anyone who liked her enough to want to marry her. If someone loves you, why not love them back? Shallan tried. She tried her best to be, in return, perfect for Adolin, and somehow she was successful in that regard. That didn't change the fact that she _would_ be in quite the predicament when the wedding was underway. She'd be around the royal family all the time, around Jasnah all the time. Shallan couldn't say she wasn't excited about that last part, but, in all honesty, she would have trouble pretending around Adolin. Maybe- now that was a thought. Maybe she could lightweave yet another character, one who looked close enough to herself to have Adolin fooled, yet wouldn't conflict with Shallan herself and her feelings for Jasnah. Maybe she could somehow _make_ this character be in love with Adolin. Or maybe that was a bad idea. _Whatever happens,_ Shallan thought, _I need someone who is better at pretending, better at lying, than I am._ So, she took out her sketchbook and made an illusion, all the while wishing her feelings weren't unrequited.

Pine was almost an exact copy of Shallan herself, but with more light in her eyes that, she hoped, would make it seem like she was happier. She had decided to use Shallan's dresses on Pine as well, to be as similar as possible. She tied the illusion to a sphere in her pocket, so that hopefully she could be masked until the Stormlight ran out, unless she switched back to Shallan at some point. And, hopefully, Adolin wouldn't notice that she'd shut herself in her room for days, trying to avoid this whole quandary. True, she had most definitely made progress in her art; she had even started a new sketchbook with only pictures of Jasnah. Currently, she was trying to branch out in her art styles, the piece she had out right now was a silhouette of Jasnah, the spheres from her crown lighting the background, Jasnah and her dress in shadow. Shallan, no, Pine, had to admit, it looked good. Pine. She was Pine. Maybe it was a mistake, making Pine as similar to Shallan as she had. Oh well, she'd have to get through it. Pine was a good liar. Shallan was not. They needed that. As long as Pine was here, she would try to convince herself that Adolin was the person she wanted most in her life, Adolin was all she needed. _But what about Jasnah?_ The voice in the back of her mind spoke. _Shut up, Shallan. That's not how this works._ Pine took a deep breath. There. She added a bit onto the beautiful shadowed figure, trying to think of what the background should be. Pine was engrossed in her work when there was a knock at the door.

"Shallan?" A voice called. _Storms,_ Pine thought, _Just what I needed right now. Adolin._ No. That was Shallan thinking. Not Pine. _Stormfather, I'm suddenly terrible at this._

"Come in!" Pine said in reply. _No use in trying to make excuses for why I don't want to see him, or why I haven't seen him in days._ It didn't help that he kept calling her Shallan. Normally, with Veil and Radiant, that would've been fine. Either personality would've shone through anyway. However, she couldn't shake the worry that she had made Pine's character too close to Shallan's own to be functional. Before she could reflect on this more, Adolin stepped in, jauntily walking toward her.

"So," Adolin began, "I've noticed you've been a bit distant lately." _Too late._

"I, uh-" Shallan started, but quickly switched back to Pine. _Storms, this was difficult._ "I've just been really tired ever since the first attack by the Voidbringers. Lightweaving isn't easy, you know?" Pine said snarkily. _That wasn't how it was supposed to go!_ Adolin nodded slowly, looking slightly hurt and left out. _C'mon Pine, just because Shallan is bitter about Jasnah doesn't mean you have to be downright mean to him! You love him! Honestly, flaunting your Radiance? You're better than that._ "I mean, it's just-" Pine thought up an excuse. "Lightweaving that army, all of them fighting at once, even with Veil and Radiant and Sha-" Pine caught herself. "And me, together, in all honesty, I'm still a bit winded." Pattern hummed from behind her, on the wall. _Thanks for the help,_ she thought, half sarcastically and half not.

"It's alright," Adolin spoke, and Pine sighed in relief. "It's just that I haven't gotten to see you since the coronation. I miss you, Shallan. I know you're tired and obviously cranky, but can you not take it out on your fiancee? I want to help you through this, not leave you holed up in your room alone, drawing pictures-" He stopped, staring at the picture on her desk. "Is that Jasnah?" _Storms!_ Pine thought. _I hid the picture of my illusion, but how could I forget to put_ that _away?_ Only slightly relieved that the conversation had turned elsewhere, she nodded and shoved it into a drawer. "Huh, that's neat, I wish you'd show me more of your art. Or just more of you! I've opened up to you, showed you my weaknesses, showed you practically everything I own. I _know_ you're still hiding some things, and it hurts, Shallan. You've been hiding in your room for close to three weeks! And don't you trust me? With your art, of all things? You've lightwoven practically all of the people you've ever drawn to be in your little army, but I've never seen the drawings themselves. You've only shown me your sketchbook once, and even then I had to practically force you to let me see them. I love your art, Shallan, _please_ show me some more?" Adolin left off, giving her a pleading, wide smile, obviously waiting for Shallan to reply in the affirmative, seeing as he was already reaching for a sketchbook. _Storms, no!_ Shallan panicked. _That's the one for Jasnah!_ Shallan snatched the sketchbook close to her before Adolin could reach it. Adolin turned toward her, looking surprised. Pine took a different sketchbook from the top of her desk and handed it to him. _I've_ got _to stop switching between us! This is Pine's job. Not Shallan's._

"Here, this one's got all of my more scientific works. Greatshells, Parshendi, the like." Pine offered, and Adolin took the sketchpad without hesitation.

"Alright, but I don't see why-" She brushed it off, interrupting him.

"It's just an unfinished sketchbook, that's all. I just prefer to completely fill them before anyone sees the contents. It shows more of my growth as an artist that way." The first part was true. Shallan hadn't _completely_ filled it with sketches of Jasnah. At least, not yet. Adolin sighed, but opened the sketchbook anyway. The first few pages were of various spren and cremlings, with notes jotted in the margins, either by Jasnah when she had gone through the research, or by Shallan herself. As Adolin leafed through the pictures, reliving some of their time in Shadesmar, looking at the underside of a greatshell, and the red mist of the Thrill that Shallan had managed to capture through her art incredibly well. He had a slight smile on his face, which she now found more annoying than cute. Why should she have to defend herself to him? Couldn't he just understand that she had things she'd rather keep hidden? When Jasnah had asked to see Shallan's sketchbooks for research purposes (probably for Navani and her scholars, as well), she had been perfectly respectful of Shallan's boundaries. What had she said? Oh, that was it. _That's completely understandable_ , she had quipped, one eyebrow raised. _I have manuscripts I'd rather keep to myself._ That didn't keep Shallan from wondering what was in those manuscripts, but as long as Jasnah respected Shallan's privacy, she would do the same. _I'm doing it again,_ Pine thought, _I'm comparing Adolin to Jasnah! And slipping back to Shallan! I can't keep doing this._

"Are you okay?" Adolin asked, sounding concerned. "You spaced out a bit ago." Shallan or Pine- she couldn't tell which- snapped herself out of it, removing her gaze from the lit spheres on the wall back to Adolin. Her gaze went back to the wall after she noticed he spoke.

"I'm just tired," Pine said defensively. Adolin pursed his lips, skeptical.

"Is the wedding weighing on you?" He asked suddenly. Pine's head snapped toward Adolin, furrowing her brow.

"What?"

"Are you stressed out about the plans for our wedding? I can stall it a bit, if you want, maybe go a bit slower?" Pine considered his offer.

"That might be a good idea, not that I want to, but..." She left off, smiling for Adolin's sake. The rest of the sentence that she left unsaid reverberated in her head. _...but I_ do _want to postpone it. Maybe indefinitely, as far as I'm concerned._ No. That was Shallan. Not Pine. She couldn't voice her opinions. That was _not_ an option. Be quiet. Shallan shook her head to try and clear it, and stepped back into Pine's character. Adolin smiled at her.

"I'll talk to Navani and see if we can move it forward a few months." Adolin offered kindly, but his words were laced with disappointment.

"Thank you," Pine said gratefully.

"You know you can just talk to me," Adolin said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You don't have to keep things like that from me."

"I know," Pine said reassuringly, not meaning it at all. Adolin smiled again, and headed for the door.

"I hope Jasnah likes her present, I'm sure it will make her birthday all the more special," he added.

"Birthday?" Pine asked, confused but trying to hide it.

"Yeah, the feast is in two days, remember?" Adolin asked, badly stifling a smile at her apparent forgetfulness.

"Oh, right! The feast!" Pine suddenly perked up, but then remembered that she told him she was tired. Storms, she was a terrible liar, even when she _wasn't_ Shallan. She quickly yawned to make up for it. Adolin didn't seem to notice.

"Well, I'll leave you to your work. I love you, Shallan," Adolin made as if he was going to kiss her, and Pine visibly flinched, trying to hide it by quickly standing up and giving him a hug. Storms, this whole illusion thing wasn't working well.

"I love you too," she said, without heart. Adolin noticed, and told her to get some sleep, before giving her one of his irritating smiles. At last, he left her in peace. When she was sure he was gone, Pine exhaled and went back to being Shallan. It would be easier if she weren't pretending _all_ the time. She felt drained, as she always did after talking to Adolin. Or maybe it just was holding that illusion. She couldn't tell. Talking with Adolin always felt like a constant fight, one that she never could win. Shallan turned back to her desk, grabbing the portrait of Jasnah from the top drawer where she had so hastily hidden it. The silhouette needed a few extra touches before she polished up the background. Pattern came and rested on the corner of her paper. Eventually, she decided that she'd had enough of that picture for now, set it reverently in a drawer, and transitioned to a three quarters perspective portrait, of course, of Jasnah. She was absorbed in her work, enjoying herself, trying to catch the glint in Jasnah's eyes in charcoal when there was knock at her door. _Come on, Adolin,_ she thought. _Wasn't me saying I'm tired enough?_ It wouldn't be enough. It could _never_ be enough for him. Shallan decided to feign sleeping. That should deter him, shouldn't it? With her eyes closed, Pine and Shallan looked exactly the same, so she figured she didn't have to struggle with the illusion right now. She silently tiptoed to the cot in the corner of the room and laid down on her back, eyes opened a crack, just enough to see everything in the room, yet closed enough that, to anyone looking, it would seem they were closed completely. Her hands rested on her stomach, and she steadied her breathing. _In. Out. In. Out._

The door finally opened, creaking slightly at the halfway point as usual. However, instead of Adolin, there stood Jasnah, in that violet dress that perfectly accentuated her curves but also flowed smoothly down her body, stopping below her knees in the front, flowing around and down to her ankles in the back. She was _gorgeous_ today. Shallan inhaled sharply, then tried to mask her alertness by sighing as if she were in a deep sleep. Jasnah's eyes swept the room, and she stepped nearer to the desk, looking at the portrait of herself sitting there. _Stormfather,_ Shallan thought, _I should have hidden that! What will she think?_ But before she could even ponder the worst possible outcome, Jasnah's face softened into a small smile. She looked at Shallan, who appeared to be sleeping on her back quite peacefully, and Jasnah's eyes flicked across her body, eventually finding her face and resting there. Jasnah tilted her head to the side, still wearing that cute smile. Neither of them scarcely moved for several minutes until Jasnah closed her eyes, took a deep breath, turned, and stepped out the door. However, just then, she turned back sharply and walked over to Shallan. She lay a hand on the side of Shallan's face, exhaled shakily, and bolted out of the room. _Storms, what was that?_ Shallan was incredibly confused, but decided to lay there for a short while before returning to her drawing. Just in case either of them came back. Before Shallan knew it, she was asleep, dreaming of the warm hand on her face and those perfect eyes that made her practically melt in their gaze. Shallan smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my first work ever, so if y'all have any advice whatsoever, please tell me!


	2. Work is tough, okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasnah's POV- How does Shallan exist that perfectly?

Jasnah sighed and leaned back in her wooden chair. All of the research she had conducted on the Oathgates, Parshendi, Voidbringers, and most recently this Odium/Honor business had taken a toll on her, not to mention that it hadn't really helped her learn anything new about them. It was essentially just organizing what information she already knew, but Jasnah didn't mind. Helping future scholars was a valuable way to spend her time. However, despite her motivation, she was both emotionally and physically exhausted, and she was blaming all of it on work. Of course, Jasnah herself knew better, but it's not like she could talk to anyone about it. Thankfully, almost all diplomatic matters were being taken care of by Dalinar, though she was the queen. She had asked if she had to do _all_ of the work on the kingdom, sarcastically. Dalinar, with his ever serious mindset, didn't even register the possibility that she was being facetious, and offered to help. She was grateful, of course, but thought it a bit funny that there was only one person she'd ever met in her life actually understood her sarcasm. That person was Shallan, her ever witty ward, who could interpret sarcasm almost as well as use it. _Her_ ward. Jasnah liked how that sounded, even if she would rather it be _her_ girlfriend. (That wouldn't happen. It just wouldn't. She understood that.) It's not like she could admit it, of course, and now that she was queen, she would have to conceal her emotions even more than before. That didn't stop her from _having_ emotions, though. Adolin seemed to imply the opposite, that she was a cold-hearted beast, a monster that happened to be on their side. Not true. What did he know?

It was Shallan who brought out the best in her. Jasnah knew that well enough; it was Shallan who had suggested she be named queen, Shallan who proofread her works and made them even better than they already were, and of course, it was Shallan's opinion that she cared most about. She just had a weird way of showing her affection. Her little crush started way back when Shallan became her ward for the first time, her enthusiasm contagious, her wit making her even more attractive, in Jasnah's mind. She hated herself for not telling Shallan about how she made Jasnah's heart melt, how she was so cute when she was concentrating, how she still had the portrait Shallan first drew of her. She wished she had the courage to confide her biggest secret. Instead, she had panicked, setting up Shallan's casual betrothal to Adolin. _Fool woman,_ Jasnah thought. _I could've had her. I could've done_ something _to change the story, but what did I do? I handed her off to my storming cousin!_ Her feelings only intensified when she had found Shallan napping one afternoon, with an almost finished sketch of Jasnah on her desk. Jasnah's heart had been pounding, the girl had looked so peaceful laying there, her red hair perfectly framing her face. She had almost given in right there, but thankfully she mustered up the self-control to stop herself, and instead of facing it, she had ran away from her problem. How adult of her. However bad supressing emotions had been for her before, it was sure to get worse as time went on, but Jasnah ignored that. She had been ignoring a lot lately, it seemed. She'd have to work on that. Jasnah began another Note to Never Be Sent to Shallan. She kept a folder of these in a hidden cubby behind her desk, where hopefully no one would find them. Jasnah knew it was risky to not burn them, but she couldn't bear to burn her feelings away. Being away from Shallan on her next research trip to Urithiru would be bad enough.

Later that evening, Jasnah arrived at her birthday dinner a half of an hour early, so as to not be late. Who knew if anyone would try to start it without her, especially any of Sadeas' allies. She sat down at the head of the table, still finding it strange that _she_ was the one sitting here, instead of Elhokar. She shook her head. No emotion. However, just then, in walked Shallan, with what Jasnah assumed to be a sketch she was working on. _So much for no emotion,_ Jasnah thought.

"I, uh, broughtyouapresent," said Shallan, mumbling extremely quickly. Oh, so the paper was a present, that made more sense now. Jasnah quirked her eyebrow and smiled at the girl. She had no right to be so cute!

"Wasn't there a table by the door? Or perhaps the plans just changed since I last saw them?" Jasnah asked, mainly to try and get a reaction. She was successful. Shallan blushed and stammered. Stormfather, she was so easily flustered, even by _Jasnah_ herself!

"Um, uh, yeah, I mean yes there is, I just really- or well, I mean- I wanted to give it to you personally, I'm sorry," she mumbled. Jasnah smiled.

"That's quite alright, Shallan," Jasnah said, and Shallan nervously held out the paper. Jasnah took it, eyes widening. It was incredible, the amount of detail Shallan had put into this drawing. The light from the spheres reflected off of the arches and columns of the grand hallway, Jasnah herself in shadow, looking peaceful. "Stormfather, Shallan-" she began.

"I'm so sorry I can redo it if you want, I know the perspective on one of the columns is a bit off, I wouldn't have been able to fix it quite well enough without starting over, I-" Shallan rambled before Jasnah cut her off.

"Shallan, I love it," she said softly, and Shallan's expression brightened dramatically. Stormfather, her eyes were pretty. Were they brighter than usual? Never mind. Jasnah caught her face flushing. _Get ahold of yourself, Kholin,_ Jasnah thought. _Now is not the time to be mooning over-_

"I have arrived! Adolin the Great has returned! Happy birthday, Jasnah! Ah, and there you are, Shallan!" Adolin all but crashed into the room, his voice echoing around the grand hall. _Did he seriously run all the way here? Classic Adolin,_ Jasnah thought. He was looking at the two of them, waiting for a response to his sudden outburst. Jasnah hoped that she had stopped blushing by then. "What's this?" Adolin picked up the picture. "Oh, you finished it, great!" he said to Shallan. _Oh, so he knew about this? So much for Shallan only doing this for me. Storm that. I can't possibly be bitter! It's from Shallan, not Adolin. I know that._ Jasnah had to purposely relax her shoulders. "And here is your present from me!" He held out a box. Jasnah raised an eyebrow.

"I thought there was a table for presents outside," Jasnah said.

"Oh, I thought- never mind. Sorry about that!" Adolin, looking slightly confused, ran outside, dropping the box on the present table. He came back in, yammering on in exclamation points. Jasnah knew he was faking being this excited, and it was giving her a headache. Thankfully, she didn't have to wait long for the other guests to arrive. Soon, the tables were full, and Dalinar made a toast, beginning the feast. All in all, it was a nice feast, but the moon eyes Adolin kept giving Shallan was enough to make her lose her appetite. She'd have to stay for the full dinner, as much as she didn't want to. Ah, the excruciating duties of royalty. It used to be, back when Elhokar was on the throne, that Jasnah could make excuses to leave. Some vague scholarly duties to attend to. Not anymore. So, Jasnah made small talk with the various people near her, until at last the guests left, and only the royal family and Kaladin remained. Shallan and Adolin were being annoyingly lovey-dovey, the latter obviously had a bit much to drink. Evidently, Kaladin did not like this either, as he was glowering at Adolin. Not that he ever didn't glower, but he seemed to want to throw daggers at the man. _Great. Even more competition,_ Jasnah thought. _No, it's not supposed to be a competition! Storms, Shallan has made her choice. I need to respect that._ She silenced her thoughts for long enough to address everyone.

"Thank you, all of you, for being here today, it truly means a lot to me." Jasnah began. "Thank you very much for the presents, I will open them all tonight, and you may want to watch your doors, because there most certainly will be notes stuck there at some point." She paused while some of them laughed. Jasnah couldn't recall saying anything funny, but moved on. "And lastly, thank you Shallan for the wonderful portrait, it means the world to me." Shallan smiled and looked down, biting her lip, as the rest of them faced Jasnah and shouted a chorus of "Happy birthday!"s at her. _Keep your cool Kholin, just because she reacted that way doesn't mean she likes you. Don't jinx it._ Jasnah retreated to her study, followed by Kaladin.

"You've seemed a bit antisocial lately," Kaladin remarked, "Even moreso than usual, I mean." _Really? Why did you have to notice that?_ "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. As both a guard and a fellow Knight Radiant." Jasnah supposed he did right by asking her about it. After all, the better you know someone, the easier it is to combat any attacks at all, whether emotional or physical.

"I've just been busy with work," Jasnah explained, rattling off some random information to keep Kaladin at bay. What infuriated her was that he absorbed every word, and tried to psychoanalyze. Thankfully, he didn't guess correctly, but storms! She'd have to keep her guard up around him.

"I know how hard it is, researching the Voidbringers, almost having to relive the past attack. At least you won't be on the front lines in a few days." Jasnah's head whipped toward him. How did he know? She hadn't told anyone besides... _Storming Navani,_ she thought. "I heard you were going back to Urithiru," Kaladin said. "You should take another Knight Radiant with you, in case anything happens." 

"I'm sure that I'll be fine, I can defend myself, especially with a Blade. You know this, Kaladin." Jasnah was slightly exasperated. She didn't want Kaladin coming with her! That left Shallan and Adolin together without opposition! _Shut up, Kholin. Stop getting worked up about things you can't control!_ As much as Jasnah hated the idea that Shallan was also a fancy of Kaladin's, at least he'd be there to keep them from going too far. Jasnah winced at that thought. "Plus, you need to stay here, who knows what the Voidbringers will do next!"

"I know that, which is why I'm suggesting you take Shallan. I have conferred with her, and she seemed to like the idea. Can you be amenable to that? She _is_ your ward, after all. Plus, Adolin couldn't go, uh, he's working on a project." Kaladin was clearly a fan of this idea. What were his motives? Shallan away from Adolin? Why would he want that? _No storming way,_ Jasnah thought. _I completely misread the situation!_ Kaladin _is jealous of_ Shallan? _That would make sense! He always acted strange around Adolin, I thought it was just their personalities clashing. Good to know. He's on my side. Mostly._ Jasnah's mind raced, the pieces falling together, but promptly she remembered that she had been asked a question. She acted as if she were skeptical, but then nodded slowly.

"I suppose that will do," Jasnah said.

"In that case, it's settled. I will notify Dalinar, Navani, and Adolin of the situation." He nodded and walked out the door. Jasnah closed it quickly and laughed softly, a rare burst of emotion. Her alone with Shallan in Urithiru? That would be a dream come true! _Steady,_ she reminded herself. _You can't do anything, Shallan will just be there as your ward._ Jasnah frowned at the thought, but knew it was true. As much as it hurt that Jasnah just couldn't even touch her, she would've missed Shallan so incredibly much if she weren't coming, that the trip might not even be worth it. Jasnah kept thinking back to her conversation with Kaladin. It was strange how the little bits of information he had given to her over the years had descended and formed a complete set of facts. _See? Be logical,_ she told herself. _Look at what you can find with it! Storms, do I sound as flustered talking about Shallan as he does with Adolin? No. I don't. I know I hide better than that._ The thought didn't console her much, so she did something she always did when faced with this situation: she settled back in her chair to write yet another Letter to Never Be Sent. As the time ticked on, she decided that it would be best for her if she forgot Shallan. Not kick her out of her life, but put some distance between them. Jasnah didn't know what else to do. _What's the point of having Shallan go on this trip with you if you're as distant as ever?_ She asked herself. _It's fine,_ she thought. _At least I have self-control. I realize I'm being hypocritical, it would be callous not to admit that. Having Shallan as a companion while I'm trying to not interact with her? Most definitely hypocritical. But that won't matter if my plan works. Storms, so much for thinking logically! But I have to do this. If not for Shallan, then for me._ So Jasnah stretched out on her cot, at peace with herself. However, as much as she wanted to, Jasnah couldn't sleep. Her mind was going everywhere at once, between her latest letter to that meeting she would need to conduct with Dalinar before she departed, and back to Shallan, as it always went. _No. You can't have her. Forget her._ So Jasnah tried to forget how soft the side of Shallan's face was, how Shallan looked down and bit her lip when put on the spot, that time when Shallan nearly died and Jasnah's whole world felt like it might collapse in on itself. How she had tried to be mad at Shallan for stealing her Soulcaster, tried to despise how Shallan was all doing this for her family's sake, not the knowledge's, but she couldn't find a way to blame Shallan for any of it. _Shallan's brothers' fault. Kabsal's fault. Adolin's fault. My fault. But never was it Shallan's fault. It will always be mine, no matter how hard I try. She's too far out of my league._ But another part of her kept saying, _You're the queen! If anything,_ she's _out of_ your _league!_ Jasnah pondered that, eventually deciding that she should try her best to stop thinking of Shallan. Again. Do something else. She opted for sleep, and after an hour of tossing and turning, she finally drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like this, because I have 20 more chapters to go, thank y'all so much for reading! Coincidentally, the Letters to Never Be Sent are a thing I started maybe six? ish? years ago, though contrary to the name, I've actually sent one of them. (I was rejected so it wasn't very helpful, but it helped build character. Whatever, I'm over her.)
> 
> Please throw suggestions at me if you have any jaja


	3. Saving the World Takes Energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shallan finds an unexpected ally, but that doesn't help with the storm of emotions brewing inside her.

Pine hadn't noticed that Kaladin walking behind her and Adolin until his foot caught on a stone and he all but fell into Adolin's arms. She couldn't help laughing. Kaladin's face was red, and shamespren floated around him. _Well, that's a first,_ Pine thought, _a Knight Radiant tripping and being saved by a highprince? Jasnah will have a field day with this!_ As soon as she thought of Jasnah, a goofy smile appeared on Pine's face and she blushed, turning her back to them to try and hide it. _No. Go away. That's Shallan thinking. Not Pine._ Both Pine and Shallan were tiring of this illusion. Would it be easier to just ditch Pine and be Shallan? She felt conflicted. How much longer did she have to mask her feelings? It sounded stupid, but Pine felt like she was trying to surpress a part of _herself_. Shallan sighed. No, that was Pine.

"Storm it!" she cried, angry at herself. Why did she have to be this way?

"What's wrong!?" Both of them asked in unison, extremely concerned.

"Oh, sorry, I just, uh-" _-am having an identity crisis and feelings I can't explain nor act upon? No, that wouldn't work._ "I was just thinking about how I could make my, uh, illusions better. To make them stronger against the Voidbringers. You know. Like saving the world. Kind of. Yep." She couldn't think straight. Was she Pine or Shallan? Her trouble with Veil and Radiant had been bad enough, but now that she was finally able to control them, another curveball was thrown her way. _Stormfather, why did I do this? I should've just pretended with Shallan. Now our personalities are blending. I can't tell which is Shallan and which is Pine! We're both bad liars now, we both stutter now, that thing where I tried to completely be obsessed with Adolin didn't work, and now I'm stuck here in the middle. I don't feel like either of them!_ She panicked. _Shh,_ she told herself. _Deal with this later. Be Shallan now, it's easier._ So Shallan nodded, as if that were explanation enough for her outburst, and kept walking.

"You can't change the past, Shallan," Adolin said. Shallan turned back to face them. Kaladin shrugged a shoulder and made a face that conveyed, _he's right, you know._

"I know that. I'm working through it. Uh, Kaladin, I have to say, I'm slightly surprised to see you here," she said, quickly changing the subject. Shallan assumed he was here to break the news to Adolin that she would be departing with Jasnah the following evening. Kaladin had insisted that he be the one to tell Adolin, much to her confusion, but she discounted it. _Let him do whatever,_ she thought. _He must have a good reason._ She was surprised that he had put it off this long, but he had other important things to do, she supposed. Kaladin raised his eyebrows and gave a half-smile-half-frown to both of them.

"So," he began, "Jasnah is leaving for Urithiru tonight." Adolin nodded. He understood how much she loved her research, and how she could only be in this place for so long before going back to the place where she could gain the most knowledge. "Uh- I was slightly concerned that she would need more assistance if she got into trouble. So I suggested taking another Knight Radia-" Adolin cut him off.

"Oh, why didn't you tell me sooner? Will I have to get another bodyguard? I'm sure we can arrange for another member of Bridge Four to guard us. Or did you mean me? I don't have a lot of time to pack, but I'll be fine, I promise! Or is someone else from Bridge Four going with her? That's pretty much all the Radiants I know of!" Shallan furrowed her brow and her mouth fell open slightly, and Kaladin noticed. Adolin did not, he was waiting for an answer. Kaladin gave a slight nod to Shallan, that said _you can take this if you want._ So she did.

"Actually, I'm going with Jasnah to Urithiru. Two Knights Radiant." She was trying to strike a delicate balance between gloating, annoyance, and excitedness. It wasn't incredibly successful, but Adolin got the gist. _Pine would be better at this,_ she thought.

"Oh, Shallan, um, you were the first person that, um, popped in my head when I thought of Knights Radiant! I just thought you'd want to stay here with me." Adolin's face fell a little bit. Shallan couldn't tell if he was lying or not. It probably was a half-truth. _Still,_ she thought, _that kind of hurt. A lot._ Shallan pondered for a minute. _Jasnah wouldn't do that, I know that! Sure, she'd say she had it under control, but that's because she_ would _have it under control! But she knows I'm a Radiant, and knows what I can do._ She abruptly stopped her train of thought. _Stormfather, I have to stop comparing everyone to Jasnah! No one is going to be as perfect as her, and I just have to accept that._ She felt stupid thinking that. Jasnah wasn't perfect. She did have faults, as did any other person on the face of the planet. It was just that she loved Jasnah, and therefore loved her biggest flaws, too. She- _STORMS!_ Shallan shouted at herself. _Shallan, you have to stop this right now. You don't know her well enough to love her. You hardly even know what love is! You can't-_ Her chastisement was cut short by Adolin's voice again. "Come on, Shallan, stop with the death glare at the ground, you're going to make it collapse from fear!" He was trying to be funny, to lighten the situation. Shallan didn't answer. Adolin's voice started quiet, gradually rising as he spoke. "I can't believe you lied to me. Why would you do that? I trusted you! Go. Fine. Be with Jasnah, wasting time on books. Don't stay here with your fiancee who-"

"Enough." Kaladin's voice shut Adolin up. "Shallan made her decision. I was the one who told her to keep it until I said it. Don't blame her, blame me." Adolin shook his head. He ran back down the hallway from which they came. Both Shallan and Kaladin called out in a chorus of "Wait! Stay here!"s, but Adolin didn't listen. He ran, going the direction of where Dalinar resided.

"Storms! He's going to tell Dalinar!" Shallan was shaky.

"It's going to be perfectly fine. I told Dalinar pretty much everything this morning, and explained to him why Adolin was last on the list. He even said he understood my reasoning and was glad I thought it out. I think we're going to be fine." Kaladin's words assured her. They both sat down on the cool stone floor, backs against the wall, in silence for awhile. Then Kaladin spoke again. "Do-" he seemed reluctant to say the next words. Shallan nodded, urging him to go on. "This is completely confidential. I'm sorry if I step out of line here..." he left off, eyes avoiding Shallan's. "Do you love him?" Kaladin asked at last. Shallan thought about her answer before speaking.

"You promise that this will not change your opinion of me, and that this stays strictly between us?" Shallan asked, nervously. He nodded. Kaladin was the only person she could possibly confide in, she realized at once. He kept his secrets, surely he kept others', as well. "I thought I did," Shallan admitted. "Until I-" she cut off, unsure whether to continue. Should she say it? Could she say it? Kaladin was looking at her thoughtfully.

"I swear to secrecy. I promise." Shallan smiled sadly. After all, Kaladin _had_ told her about his brother, how breaking the promise to his parents had ripped him up into pieces. _Okay. You can do this._

"I thought I did." she said again, "but I now realize that I just wanted it to work. I wanted _something_ in my life to be proud of. I never imagined that I'd fall for someone else, especially fo-" she stopped, inhaling sharply. Even that secret she didn't want to keep, but no one could know.

"So you love someone else?" Kaladin asked, _was that hopefulness I heard? Never mind, I must be imagining things._

"You could say that, she doesn't know that-" Shallan's eyes widened and she smacked a hand over her mouth. "Damnation!" _Why can't I keep anything secret? I should've thought this completely through before answering. I should've gone-_

"What?" Kaladin appeared confused by her outburst. _Oh, thank the Almighty,_ Shallan thought. "It's fine, you don't have to share the full thing with me. I just needed to know if you really loved him." She heard wistfulness. Where was he going with this? "Okay, you have to swear as well. I can't-"

"I promise I won't disclose anything to anyone. No matter how much they pay me." Shallan tried to lighten the mood.

"I'm serious. I know you are too, but this is hard for me to say. I can't- no, I'm not good at sharing emotions. Okay. So uhikindofmightlikesomeoneandididntwanttomakeyoumadbecausehesyourfiancee..." Kaladin hurriedly muttered, voice hushed. He looked _scared_. How long had he been keeping this secret? Shallan was almost proud of him for sharing it. Almost.

"Wait, you like _Adolin?_ I wasn't expecting that!" Shallan said, mind reeling. _What on Roshar?_ Kaladin's face expressed hurt, and his head whipped away from her like he'd been slapped. "I didn't mean it that way, I didn't-" Kaladin shook his head.

"I shouldn't have told you." He got up to leave.

"Wait!" Shallan called. Thankfully, he turned back around. "I was just surprised. I didn't know what to expect. I can't blame you for liking someone you think you can't have."

"Nope, you can't." Kaladin said this coldly. _Storms, I messed up._

"Please, sit back down," Shallan said. Kaladin sat, though his reluctance showed. "I didn't tell you the full story." They both settled in. "I'm trusting you with this. It's hard to do. I can't bear this." Kaladin nodded, softening a bit. He realized that Shallan needed support. "I'm stuck here, in between two completely different places. I wanted to like Adolin because it seemed like the right thing to do. Jasnah had been so kind. I just..." He motioned her on, encouragingly. "She was so kind, and gorgeous, and I always thought I wanted to be just like her, when in reality, though it took me quite some time to realize, I-" Shallan choked up. "I can't even... I don't know what to do, she just makes me so happy when I'm around her, and I know she doesn't feel the same, but I can't stand being around her because I just want to-" Kaladin's mouth formed an o. He inhaled deeply, and exhaled slowly.

"That's why you were so excited about the trip to Urithiru? You like Jasnah?" Shallan blushed and looked down at her lap. She nodded, holding back tears. Kaladin approached her, embracing her. It was strange, being able to confide in someone who was somehow in the exact same position, just on the opposite end. "Well, I suppose that makes two of us in that situation," he said. "Though, if I'm being honest, I did _not_ expect that response." Shallan's mouth twitched into a small smile. "I should go check on Adolin, and you should get ready for your departure. Will you be alright?" Shallan nodded again, and Kaladin stood up from beside her and slowly made his way down the hall. Talking to him had made things both better and worse. It was amazing to get some of that weight off of her shoulders, but she was left feeling even more emotionally raw and vulnerable. _Relax,_ she told herself. _Things will be fine._ As she headed to her quarters and then to the Oathgate platform, she tried to breathe as evenly as possible. As she neared the swap room, she could see Jasnah's figure writing in a notebook. Her eyes looked up as Shallan approached, and she quickly snapped the book shut to greet Shallan. She nodded to Shallan, and the scribe with the spanreed to communicate with Urithiru announced that they could continue. Jasnah summoned her Shardblade, stuck it into the slot of the Oathgate, and they instantly were transferred to Urithiru. Jasnah walked Shallan to her room, who all the while was trying to stop having emotions. Unfortunately, for all her efforts, Shallan was unsuccessful in her attempt to be cold and reserved Jasnah retired to her own room soon after making sure everything was set. Shallan, now alone, head cloudy from everything that happened that day, collapsed on the floor in tears. _Why did I tell Kaladin? What if he tells Dalinar or Navani or Adolin or especially Jasnah? No! I can't do this._ At this point, she was heaving sobs, she couldn't get enough air, she felt like ground was falling out from underneath her. All of her surroundings were blurry, and Shallan felt incredibly dizzy. What ifs filled her head, situations she knew deep down wouldn't happen but they _could_. That terrified her even more, so much that she didn't hear the door opening behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading! More angst in the next chapter, but more fluff, as well. (I'm a tad more excited about that one than this one, but whatever.) I'd love to have Jasnah accidentally overhear Kaladin and Shallan talking, but I suppose what I have for this story is enough for now. I can always add alternate endings later jaja


	4. I Need to Finish a Manuscript

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasnah comforts Shallan...
> 
> multiple times.

Jasnah thought she heard something from down the hall. She should probably ignore it, her brain told her. Focus on your manuscript. Navani's expecting it to be transmitted via spanreed tonight. That's why you're here. However, she couldn't focus. _What_ is _that? Shallan? Oh no._ Jasnah dropped her pen, opening the door, sprinting as fast as she could, within a moment reaching Shallan's door. Definitely crying. Over what? Jasnah didn't want to scare her, so she eased the door open. _Storms alight,_ Jasnah thought. There was Shallan, curled up on the floor, shaking uncontrollably, sobbing. Jasnah stepped in, closing the door behind her, instinctively dropping to her knees and embracing Shallan in her arms. Shallan held onto Jasnah like she was a lifeline, and after a few minutes of sitting there on the cold, hard stone, not quite knowing what to do (and now on the brink of tears herself,) Jasnah decided to take a chance. She picked Shallan up, carrying her bridal style to the cot in the corner of the room, where Jasnah sat down. Shallan leaned against her, the tears still flowing from her eyes, though she had fallen silent as soon as Jasnah had moved her. Shallan was clearly hurting, how should she help? Jasnah had no experience in the emotional department. She felt tears come to her own eyes, and held Shallan still tighter. How was the girl having this much of an effect on her? She needed to be strong, for both Shallan and herself. Exhaling deeply, she decided that she would try just talking to Shallan. She didn't expect recognition or answers from her, but there must be a way to calm her. Jasnah could not bear to see Shallan in this state, she wanted her to be so incredibly happy, to be smiling again.

"Shallan," she began, her voice only slightly above a whisper. _Why am I this nervous? Stormfather, I hate vulnerability. I don't mind it as much when I'm with Shallan, but I still get nervous._ "I honestly don't know what to say, I've always been terrible with comforting. All I know is that I couldn't just leave you here on your own. I couldn't bear that. You mean so much to me, Shallan, I can never say that enough or mean it enough... Storms, I'm rambling. I'm sorry, I didn't want you to have to be alone," Jasnah paused, wiping a tear from her cheek.

"You're here," Shallan breathed hoarsely. "I..." She met Jasnah's gaze, and her teary eyes fluttered closed. She shifted so that her head was resting on Jasnah's shoulder. Jasnah felt Shallan's tears on her neck, and tried to resist the urge to pull Shallan even closer, brush her fingers through Shallan's hair, press her lips- _No, Kholin. Don't even think about it. You can't have her._ So, Jasnah spoke again, not knowing what else to do.

"I'm here, Shallan, don't worry, I'm here, shh, you're okay, alright? Everything will turn out well in the end, I promise, I promise, I promise..." _I promise, Shallan. I owe you that much. I'll protect you, I'm here for you. I love you._ The words echoed in Jasnah's head, but she didn't dare say them aloud. Did she love Shallan? There was still too much to learn about her. Right? Jasnah forced herself to take deep breaths, and Shallan tried to match them. _In. Out. In. Out..._ They sat like that for awhile, just listening to each other breathe, Shallan gradually calming down.

"Thank you," Shallan said, breaking the silence. Jasnah looked at her and smiled. "Do you need to get back to your writing?" Shallan asked. Jasnah reluctantly nodded, and Shallan pulled away. "Thank you," she said again, brushing behind her ear the strands of hair that had fallen from her loose ponytail. One strand fell once again, and this time Jasnah reached out and tucked it behind Shallan's ear. _Stormfather!_ Jasnah excused herself, noticing Shallan's face flush and hoping her own blush wasn't visible. _I don't want to go._ As she walked back to her room, Jasnah couldn't help but chastise herself for acting that way toward Shallan. Really? Tucking hair behind her ear? She shouldn't have done that, Jasnah had _known_ she shouldn't do that, and yet it had seemed instinctual. For probably the hundredth or even thousandth time that week, she thought about how she couldn't keep doing that. It was not an option. Except that it was, indeed, an option. She, physically, could do whatever she wanted. Morals were another matter. _Focus on your manuscript, Kholin._ And so she did, trying to banish Shallan's face from her mind.

That night, Navani contacted her via spanreed, as they'd done back when she was in Karbranth. Of course Navani had noticed something off about her today, but Jasnah had never been able ot get a straight answer out of her as to _how_ she could tell. Navani had said it was a mother's instinct, but Jasnah couldn't see how that could be true. Did she write differently? Did her words convey a different emotion? She couldn't tell. After avoiding as many questions in Navani's interrogation as possible, Jasnah at last began to write out her notes, leaving commentary and as always, taking Navani's input.

 _I have catalogued and organized the records of Dalinar's visions, as well as his information on Odium. He reported that he contained the red mist (Something which her refers to as the Thrill and claimed that it was of Odium) in a gemstone that the Voidbringers were reportedly attempting to steal. That is about all I have on the subject of Odium from Dalinar, who seems to be the only person that has (somewhat) publicly talked about it. He warns, as you know, that publishing this as public knowledge will invoke fear among the people, which at this point in time would not be a strong idea._ Jasnah paused to place another sheet of paper down. She knew Navani was doing the same. As she continued writing, she got progressively less focused on the words she was writing and more on her memories, to the point that she stopped looking at the paper at all and accidentally began writing diagonally down the page. Navani was confused, she said as much, what was Jasnah doing while writing? Jasnah brushed it off and kept going, this time intentionally clearing the thoughts out of her head and focusing on what she was going to say next, what points to make, which sources she was quoting from. Navani got curious where all of the so-called spiritual realm information was coming from. Was it Jasnah's own thoughts? _I realize,_ Jasnah wrote in response, _that I have been speaking from a logical perspective. You know this well enough, so I cannot even begin to make speculations of my own as to the people's Almighty. All I am doing is relaying the information (whether false or otherwise) in an organized format from various sources that, though I do not neccessarily trust them, are books Dalinar has mentioned or referred to me. Sorting the opinions of philosophers and theologians. No, I don't love having to read some of these storming theories, but I am doing this for the sake of scholarship._ Navani said she understood. _Good,_ Jasnah thought. _I don't need any of this tied to my name._ Thankfully, she got that whole section over with quickly. Jasnah was delving into the _real_ information she had collected on cremlings when Shallan walked behind her and touched her shoulder. Jasnah jumped in surprise, her quill scraping across the paper, drawing a thin line from "expre" to the edge of the page.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! I'm so sorry!" Shallan rambled, close to tears. Jasnah could see the pain in her eyes, internally scolding herself. _Storming Kholin, you should not have left her alone with her thoughts right after a panic attack! You should have at least let her stay in the same room as you while you wrote, not running off like you did!_ However, another part of her knew that running _was_ a good choice. It had prevented her from doing anything more that she would regret later. She was being self-centered again. _Stop it,_ she told herself. So she did her best to ignore the past. Focus on Shallan.

"Shallan, it's completely alright; I just was engrossed in my writing. Are you okay?" Jasnah asked, concerned. Shallan shook her head, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Jasnah though about her next move. Hug? Say something? Write back to Navani really quickly? She wasn't used to even considering the first option, but Shallan looked like she needed it. She chose the second. "What will help you most right now?" Storms, she sounded like a therapist. Why had she never prepared for this? Shallan opened her mouth to speak, but instead, she exhaled. Jasnah tilted her head, smiling warmly, silently urging her to go on.

"Can I-" she looked embarrassed. "I need someome to hold onto," she said, her gaze set on the ground. Jasnah quickly stood up from her chair, and held Shallan in an embrace. She tried the breathing thing she did earlier, and Shallan's breathing steadied, but her heart was still racing. "Thanks," she said, voice small. She stepped away from Jasnah. "I'm so sorry for interrupting you, I'll let you go back to your work," she hurried back toward her room. _She's not alright yet,_ Jasnah thought. _I need to follow her._ Ignoring the exclamations from Navani on account of her sudden absence, Jasnah quickly scribbled, _I'm going to take a break, I'll get you the remainder of the information soon._ Navani wrote more, but Jasnah was already out the door. When she got to Shallan's room, the girl was sitting with her arms around her knees, and looked at Jasnah, surprised. "You don't have work? I mean, no, wait, I didn't mean it that way," she stammered, "I'm so glad you're here, I'm so sorry for just bursting in-" Jasnah shushed her.

"It's alright, darling, burst in whenever," she said in what she hoped was a soothing voice. "I don't mind at all, especially when you need someone to be there with you." Storms alight, had she just called her _darling!?_ It appeared so, from the way Shallan's face flushed. Jasnah had to stop doing that. She continued, hoping that Shallan would overlook it. "I'm here for you. If there's anything you want or need, _ever,_ just tell me, and I'll deliver, to the very best of my ability. You're extremely important to me." At this point, if she went any further, she'd probably end up just rephrasing what she just said all over again.

Shallan shyly smiled, and patted a spot next to her on the cot, and Jasnah obligingly sat down. Stormfather, why did Shallan have to keep testing her self-control? No sooner than she'd thought that, Shallan rested her head on Jasnah's shoulder, and hugged her from the side. It was so endearing, the way Shallan just cuddled close to her, a small smile still on her face, which now looked so peaceful. Jasnah wished she could stay here, in this moment forever, their bodies together, the cinnamon scent of Shallan's hair, the way her blue eyes sparkled in the light of the spheres, still slightly teary from a few minutes before, but showing a contentment from deep within them. Jasnah smiled. The two of them sat there for awhile, like before, just breathing. _I could get used to this,_ Jasnah thought wistfully. _We could do this every evening, in each others' arms._ She stopped herself yet again. _No. You can't have her._ She watched as Shallan's eyes grew heavy, and Jasnah slowly extricated herself from her grasp, and laid Shallan's head on her pillow. She got up to go, when Shallan grabbed her wrist.

"Can you maybe stay?" Shallan mumbled sleepily. Jasnah tried to say no, but her heart wouldn't let her. In answer, she stepped back to the cot. Shallan moved over to give Jasnah space to lay down. She eased onto the cot, Shallan offering her half of the blanket. Jasnah accepted it, settling in. Face-to-face, Jasnah watched Shallan drift off. Jasnah put her hand on Shallan's face, like she had before, except this time, she shoved away the fear, kissing her on the forehead. Jasnah soon found herself asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such fun writing this chapter eeeeee, please dish out any input y'all have on this (I definitely have things I need to work on jaja)
> 
> Also, be prepared for some Kadolin next chapter! I have this structured so that every five chapters is an interlude with pretty much solely Kadolin to please the multitudes (and to progress the plot, but the first is important too.)


	5. Interlude I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaladin blatantly flirts with Adolin. Feelings ensue.

Adolin couldn't help but find it strange that Shallan wasn't just a short walk away. _Without Shallan and Jasnah, it's strangely quiet,_ he thought. And it _did_ seem that way. Jasnah wasn't there to burst into anyone's room requesting assistance or input, asking rather politely considering the way she essentially invaded their space like that. Shallan, when she was here, essentially did the same thing as Jasnah, now that he thought about it, but instead of requiring assistance, she would be excited and show them a new thing she had learned to do with Stormlight, or another drawing she was working on. Yet another way in which the two women were similar. Now that Adolin had time to mull it over, maybe it actually was a good thing that he and Shallan had put off the wedding. He was too content without her to be ready for a life together, with her all the time. Since her departure, he had spent most of his time walking around Kholinar, with Kaladin (and sometimes Teft). Dalinar had insisted he have a guard with him at all times, especially because he wasn't a Knight Radiant. Of course, Dalinar hadn't voiced that last part, but he could tell that he was thinking it. And maybe Adolin was just jealous, or maybe... he didn't know. _Stop dwelling on that,_ he had to tell himself. _You snap at and insult every storming Knight Radiant you come across when you think about that._

"What's up?" Kaladin was sitting with him on the balcony overlooking the city. His voice sounded slightly more musical than usual, Adolin thought. Then again, maybe it wasn't, and Adolin had just made it up. He couldn't tell.

"Not much," he responded. _Was that just me hearing things?_ "What about you?"

"Eh, the usual, sitting with the best looking guy in Roshar," Kaladin said. Surprised, Adolin's eyes widened and he looked at Kaladin, alternating his gaze from Kaladin's face and the ground in front of him and back again.

"You-" Adolin shut up, and forced his eyes away from Kaladin's face. _Eeeeeeeeee!_ Adolin's heart raced, he swore it was beating faster than even when he was on the battlefield. He couldn't tell how Kaladin was reacting, Adolin was too busy making sure he didn't see the blush slowly growing on his face. "I-" Stormfather, he _still_ couldn't get words out. So, he didn't even try, instead opting to hide his head with his hands. Why was he feeling these things, and for Kaladin, of all people? Not that he was against it. He just wasn't expecting... well, _that_. He felt a hand on his back, rubbing up and down and up, Adolin unconsciously leaning into the touch, his head still resting on his hands.

"I'm sorry if I went too far," said Kaladin. _Too late now,_ thought Adolin. _I'm already going too fast down this slope toward you. Nothing's stopping me now. Shallan used to be the rock holding me in place..._ His train of thought left off right there. Did he seriously think that it was Shallan's fault he wasn't able to process Kaladin's comments? Was he going to blame that on her? And was that _true?_ Had Adolin, without himself realizing it, fallen for Kaladin months ago and was just too engrossed with Shallan to not realize it? No, that couldn't be. He had _loved_ her. He knew he had. Storms, it was the first time he had been genuinely serious about a relationship! Why did that have to end? Did it really have to end at all? So many questions, all caused by one sentence. Stormfather, what should he do now? He couldn't just reject Kaladin like that. No, he liked him too much to do that. However, that didn't change the fact that his fiancee would be incredibly disappointed, heartbroken, even, if she found out. _Of course, she doesn't need to know. This stays between Kaladin and I. No one else._ So, Adolin decided to flirt back. Rasing his head and acting confident (even though his heart was about to break out of his chest), he spoke.

"Come on, Kal, can't you do better than that? That was _hardly_ an original line." Adolin teased, and Kaladin looked at him in surprise.

"Oh, really?" Kaladin raised his eyebrows, crossed his arms, and spoke again, a small smirk emerging as he did so. "Can you do better than that?"

"Uh- I mean storms, yes. Um... Do you like raisins? Well, what about a date?" Adolin had done his best to think of a pick-up line that would fit the situation. That one certainly wasn't it. A _date!?_ What on Roshar was he thinking? Kaladin just looked at him, the other boy trying to gauge his emotions. _Aaand I just ruined it. Why am I like this? I shouldn't have said that. And why, exactly, did I choose to say that? I made a mistake. A terrible, horrible mistake. I had to ruin the whole storming thing by asking him out. I'm practically_ married, _for Storm's sake! How do I fix this? Oh, I messed this one up really bad. Storms, what can I-_

"Punny, I like it. Tonight for dinner at Bridge Four, and then a walk?" Kaladin offered. Adolin looked at him with wide eyes, in disbelief.

"Me?" he asked, pointing to himself. He heard footsteps down the corridor. _Teft,_ Adolin thought.

"Well, I don't see anyone else here!" Kaladin said with an amused expression. Then he put a hand on Adolin's shoulder, leaned down and whispered in his ear, "I'll see you tonight, pretty boy. Don't be late." Then he rose from the floor, greeting Teft with a hug. He watched, open mouthed, as Kaladin walked away. His steps were so _regal,_ and when the two bridgemen had hugged, he felt- what was that?- Jealousy? Adolin rolled his eyes at himself. Of course not. It's not like they were _dating,_ as much as Adolin would've liked to be. He thought of Shallan, but right away shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind. Nobody needs to know. He shivered as he thought of Kaladin's breath on his neck, whispering in his ear. _Pretty boy?_ Where did he get that? Adolin didn't think himself pretty. He was handsome. Not pretty. But as he thought more and more about it, Adolin slowly realized that he didn't mind when Kaladin said it. The way he spoke the words made him feel special, not belittled. Why did Kaladin make him feel these things? How did he evoke butterflies in Adolin's stomach whenever he spoke? How were his words so entrancing? What about the boy made him willing to follow him absolutely anywhere he went, whether it put him in danger or not?Or maybe that was just Kaladin's leadership skills. Maybe. That thought made Adolin even more jealous of Teft and the others. Did _they_ feel the same way he did? It seemed so natural to Adolin. He didn't want them to feel that way. Kaladin was his, they had flirted, they were going on a date, so he _must_ like Adolin more than the others. However, that didn't stop him from having those emotions. Nothing ever did.

"What's got you preoccupied today?" asked Teft. Adolin just shrugged. "Don't be down about Shallan, she'll be back soon enough." He knew Teft was trying to be comforting, but at this point, the mention of Shallan's name just made him want to scream at the speaker to STOP, just stop, he knew that his intrigue with Kaladin was wrong, that he felt bad enough without anyone mentioning her storming name. However, all of this he kept to himself, and instead of shouting at Teft, he nodded. Teft seemed pleased with himself, like he had successfully comforted a highprince. How nice. At this point, he had to literally bite his tongue in order to stop himself from screaming. He decided to walk back to his room, and he told this to Teft, who nodded at him. "Lead the way," he said in reply. And that Adolin did. He all but ran to his quarters, collapsing on his cot once he did.

"I'm tired," said Adolin, and Teft nodded, leaving the room and closing the door behind him, letting Adolin have his privacy. Of course, nothing was ever completely private, he knew Teft would be just outside the door, listening for any sign of danger. However, it was nice to not have any company sometimes. Just him and his thoughts. His thoughts, which, at this point, all revolved around _Kaladin,_ the way his hand felt on his shoulder and his back, his words, his _choice_ of words. He was daydreaming, and soon enough his daydreams turned into real dreams as he fell asleep.

Adolin awoke to someone banging on his door, telling him he needed to eat something before all of Roshar was already asleep. _Storms!_ thought Adolin, _I have to go. Now._ Adolin quickly checked his appearance, making sure his hair looked alright, and then ran out the door, Teft calling out after him to wait up. He sprinted past the army barracks, many of the people staring, wondering what the highprince was rushing for. As he reached the Bridge Four barracks, out of breath, Rock offered him some stew, which Adolin gratefully accepted. Quickly finishing his stew, Adolin looked around, searching for Kaladin. He asked Lopen for the boy's whereabouts, and the bridgeman pointed him in the direction Kaladin had gone. Rock offered some more food to Adolin, who gave a quick "no, thank you," before going after Kaladin. Eventually, he came to a woodsy area, and there was Kaladin, sitting on a log, looking dejected. He didn't notice Adolin's arrival until Adolin sat next to him, hugging him from the side.

"You made it," Kaladin said softly. "I thought you had left me." Adolin shook his head.

"I would never, Kal," he said, gazing into Kaladin's eyes, still holding onto him. Kaladin looked at Adolin fondly, returning the gesture, and Adolin blushed, breaking the other boy's gaze. Kaladin reached out and gently tilted Adolin's chin so he could look him in the eyes again. Adolin's mouth opened slightly, looking as if Kaladin was the most wonderful thing in the world he'd ever seen. And, at this moment, Kaladin _was_ the most wonderful person he'd ever met. Adolin's eyes swept over the other's face, gaze lingering on his lips before going back to his eyes. Kaladin noticed this, and a slightly taunting grin graced his lips. He leaned closer to Adolin's face, their foreheads almost touching, breaths mingling in the miniscule expanse of air between them. Adolin inhaled sharply, his heart pounding.

"Kal-" Adolin was running out of self-control. Kaladin pulled away. Adolin's eyes started watering. "I wanted-" Kaladin closed his eyes and nodded.

"Me too," he said. "But you know why we can't do this, Adolin. I don't want either of us to get in trouble. I want you to be absolutely positive you want... us to be a thing." Kaladin looked down. Adolin understood well enough, but it hurt just the same. He had been _this_ close to something he wanted in his life, and now that opportunity was gone.

"Okay," Adolin reluctantly agreed. He didn't want Kaladin getting hurt by this. "We'll go slower, be more cautious?" he proposed. Kaladin nodded. "Three days from now, same spot here?" he asked nervously, hoping Kaladin would at least be alright with that. Kaladin nodded again, his body relaxing.

"I just don't want to hurt you, neither emotionally nor socially. I still want you, you know. I just can't..." he paused. "I couldn't bear losing you in my life. I don't know how I'd live with myself if anything happened." Adolin mulled this over.

"I understand," he said. And he truly did. He could say the same exact thing about Kaladin. "I should probably get back, it's getting dark." Kaladin nodded.

"I have some spheres, if you want," Kaladin offered.

"Can you walk me back? I left Teft behind, and Dalinar would be furious if I didn't have anyone with me." Kaladin smiled.

"It would be an honor, pretty boy," he said, laughing as Adolin blushed furiously. _Storming Kal,_ he thought. _Always trying ot get me to react. And he's always successful, too!_ For a second, Adolin was mad at himself, but Kaladin took his arm, as guards often did, but this was _more._ He'd follow no one else. He'd choose no one else to spend time with. _But what about Shallan?_ a part of his brain asked. Once again, he pushed that thought away. Nobody needs to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this... mess of emotions, I suppose. There will be a Kadolin interlude every five chapters, so back to Shasnah tomorrow! Be prepared for major fluff...


	6. You're Stuck in my Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shallan draws, Jasnah sees

Shallan hummed to herself as she drew, Pattern accompanying her. She was currently in the Grand Hall of the tower, where the acoustics were quite amazing. Of course, Shallan didn't notice she was humming, she just subconsciously always had a song or two playing in her head. Sometimes, even three at once. Today, she had been preoccupied with her memories. Jasnah coming in last night, comforting her, Shallan sleepily asking her to stay. Nothing happened between them, but something clearly had, as Shallan hadn't seen Jasnah all day since waking up. All she could recall was the way Jasnah had been looking at her before she fell asleep, and then awakening to find both of them in the same positions, but even closer than before. Shallan had wanted so badly to stay there like that, Jasnah looking so peaceful asleep. But then Jasnah had awakened, looked at her, bit her lip, and the muttered a quick "I need to change, tell me if you need anything," and then left. Had Shallan crossed a line last night, asking Jasnah to stay? Shallan continued to hum worriedly. She finished yet another sketch of Jasnah, and after that was done, decided to draw something more. Shallan envisioned them both in her head, herself curled up in Jasnah's arms, them both staring into each others' eyes, lovingly. Nobody had to see it. She had only started a rough sketch when she saw the other woman approaching her. Overcome by happiness, Shallan slammed her notebook closed and ran to Jasnah, enveloping her in a hug. She looked surprised when Shallan embraced her, but her face relaxed into a smile, and Shallan swore she heard her chuckle under her breath.

"What's up, darling? You look nice today," Jasnah said, eyebrows raised slightly, and Shallan blushed, but didn't break her stare or her smile. _Storm it, how is she so gorgeous_ and _sweet, all at the same time? Come on, Shallan, stop staring at her like you're in love with her or something. Just answer her!_

"Uhm-" Shallan left off, not knowing how to reply. "Y-you look really good too! Uh, I've just been drawing, mostly," she said, shrugging slightly, and stepping back from Jasnah. "Nothing of much importance, I suppose." Jasnah looked at her with one eyebrow raised. _Did I say something wrong?_ Shallan panicked. _Why is she waiting to answer me? Did I insult her somehow? Oh no-_ "I mean, um, I like your dress?" It came out as a question. Storm it all. "No, that's not what I meant, I just-"

"You're fine, darling," she said, interrupting Shallan's panicked spiel. "It was the 'nothing of importance' part that intrigued me. Your art is incredibly important to the Radiant cause, why would it be otherwise?" Jasnah smiled. Shallan looked like a deer in headlights.

"I just- well, I'm kind of practicing something other than drawings for lightweaving. It doesn't matter." She said the last part rushed, and thankfully Jasnah left it there, not inquiring further.

"I just wanted to apologize for leaving so quickly this morning, I really meant nothing by it. I... shouldn't have abandoned you today, or yesterday, for that matter. You weren't okay, and I decided that work was more important. It's not. You are more important." To Shallan, her words seemed to effortlessly roll out of her mouth, the rhythm and tone of her voice soothing. She paused between certain words to give emphasis, and Shallan decided in that moment that she wanted to hear Jasnah's voice every day, as much as possible.

"Can you read some of your manuscripts to me?" Shallan asked suddenly. Jasnah blinked in surprise.

"What?" This time, it was Jasnah who looked flustered. Shallan giggled.

"Can you? I want to hear, uh, what research you have so far," she said. Jasnah gazed at her thoughtfully for a moment, and then nodded, leading Shallan, sketchbook in hand, to her quarters. When they reached the sphere-lit room, Jasnah quickly rushed in, taking a piece of paper on her desk and shoving it into a drawer, much like Shallan herself sometimes did with her drawings. Was she trying to hide something? Shallan shook her head. _Don't dwell on it._ While Shallan was placing her sketchpad on a side table, Jasnah reached for a scroll on her shelf, and settled down on the loveseat on the far wall. Shallan sat next to her, and rested her body on Jasnah's. Shallan felt Jasnah's arm snake around her neck so that the scroll was in front of both of them, raising goosebumps as she moved. How was she so warm? Shallan settled even more into Jasnah, so much so that she was practically laying in the woman's lap. Shallan saw the woman's eyes flick across her body, and for reasons she couldn't explain, she got butterflies. _Stop it, Shallan,_ she told herself. _She doesn't like you like that. Plus, Adolin- No. I don't want to think about that. I want to get lost in Jasnah's eyes, I want to listen to her read, I-_ Her internal monologue was cut short by Jasnah moving her so that she was fully on her lap, her head resting on the arm of the couch, and Jasnah's other hand was resting lightly on Shallan's stomach. Before Shallan had the time to say anything or question Jasnah's actions, she began to read. Her voice was melodic, the beat of her words such that Shallan swore the woman wrote her works in a specific meter such that every sentence, every paragraph would sound even more elegant than the last. Her eyes sparkled as she read, her floral perfume wafting over both of them, her rouge lips pronouncing every syllable. Shallan was completely enraptured, focusing on Jasnah, so much so that she didn't notice when the woman stopped reading and just started looking at Shallan, both of them trying their best to memorize every single detail about the other. However, they were interrupted from their trance by a servant calling them to lunch. It startled both of them, and much to Shallan's surprise, Jasnah blushed once again. Shallan smirked, and Jasnah's mouth opened in mock shock, as she put a hand over her chest.

"Is that a smirk I see? How rude of you!" Jasnah teased. "I swear I'll wipe that right off your face, darling," she chuckled, brushing a finger across Shallan's lips as if to shush her. "It's always a pity when we get interrupted." Shallan's whole face flushed, her mouth dropping open. _Was that flirting?_ Shallan started to laugh, and Jasnah followed. They laughed until tears were streaming down both of their faces, and it was incredible, even if they were laughing for different reasons. "You realize that I haven't laughed that hard in years?" Jasnah said after they finally stopped laughing. Shallan, against her better judgement, wiped a tear off of Jasnah's face, who, in return, did the same for Shallan.

"Well, darling, I suppose we ought to get to lunch, wouldn't you say, darling?" Shallan teased, unsuccessfully trying to mimic Jasnah's slight accent and speech as she sat up.

"I don't sound like that!" Jasnah protested. "Also, I don't say darling _nearly_ that much!"

"Really, you don't? I seem to recall you using it, oh, about a hundred times this morning," Shallan said with a smile. Jasnah smiled back.

"Only for you, darling," she said, standing up, holding out her hand for Shallan, who gladly accepted it.

"Oh, yes, I definitely need help getting off the couch, Jas," she said without thinking. Jasnah exhaled shakily and turned around, facing away from Shallan. _Did I say something wrong again?_ "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Shallan left off, not sure what exactly she did wrong.

"No, don't apologize, darling, I love the name," Jasnah said, in a voice that Shallan swore was a few pitches lower than before, though she didn't know why that would be the case, maybe she needed to clear her throat? No matter. Shallan was hungry, so she led the way to their favorite table they used to sit at every day they were here in Urithiru. A servant brought out chouta for each of them (a somewhat strange way of having it delivered to them, seeing how messy and casual the circumstances usually were when one would eat it). However, neither of them minded. It tasted too good to complain of anything about it. _I should probably stop bothering her,_ Shallan thought. _Should I say I should keep drawing? I don't know. I really don't know. She's probably bored of me by now. Ugh, why do I have to be so awkward?_ "So, darling, what are your plans for this afternoon?" Jasnah's voice cut through her thoughts before Shallan could speak. She blushed at the "darling" part. Storming Jasnah. How did she do this to Shallan?

"Er- probably, um, drawing?" Shallan was still trying to gauge the woman's level of annoyance with her for usurping her morning. Thankfully, she didn't seem too disturbed by it, but Shallan was still self-conscious about it. "What about you? I mean, do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" Jasnah shook her head.

"Nothing on the schedule, I'm afraid, so I figured I'd do some reading." Shallan inwardly sighed. So she _was_ annoying Jasnah. Of course she was. Shallan always seemed to annoy one person or another. "Would you want to draw in the library while I read? It might be nice to have company with me," Jasnah said. Shallan nodded before her brain could fully process what she was agreeing to. _Oh, no, I'll have to somehow hide my sketch from her while she reads. I really want to finish it, but if Jas is there, I don't know... I mean, it could be nice to have her as a reference in front of me as I'm drawing. Alright. That should work out okay._ Jasnah stood up, smoothing out her blue dress, and Shallan (not discreetly) admired the gauzy fabric that hugged her skin most of the way down, flaring out as it neared the floor. "Like what you see, darling?" _Storms!_ Shallan flushed and quickly averted her gaze, busying herself with tucking the chair in. She'd been caught. Jasnah laughed. "It's okay, I don't mind- I mean, uh... never mind." Shallan found herself chuckling slightly at Jasnah's stalled sentence. Jasnah looked down and bit her lip, as Shallan had done at the feast. Shallan thought it was the cutest thing Jasnah had ever done. "Really?" asked Jasnah. _I didn't mean to say that aloud!_ Shallan stammered, and Jasnah came to her rescue. "Relax, darling, you're fine. Shall we?" Giving Shallan her arm, they stopped in Jasnah's quarters for Shallan's sketchbook, and then proceeded down the staircase toward the library. They found a table about as far from the door as they could go, while still maintaining a good view of everyone else in the room. Three other people were with them in the library, two perusing the stacks and another writing at a table right near the door. Shallan took a memory of each of them, just in case, and then settled down to draw. Jasnah proved to be a great model, and not _just_ because she was lost in a book and therefore perfectly still. More times than she'd like to admit, Shallan just started staring at Jasnah, lost in her beauty.

"Are you alright, darling?" Jasnah asked, shocking Shallan out of one of her daydreams.

"Y-yeah, just thinking," Shallan replied. _Am I that obvious?_

"Okay, I'm going to look for a few more books, I'll be back soon." Shallan nodded, and Jasnah stood up, pushing her chair in with her hip as she left. _Stormfather, I'm falling way too fast,_ she thought. Shallan rested her sketchbook on the table, now that Jasnah was gone. As soon as Jasnah came back, she'd go back to resting it on her lap, but for now, she appreciated the greater amount of light. Jasnah was still gone by the time Shallan finished most of the shading, and she sighed. Was Jasnah gone because she was tired of Shallan? Not that she was fully gone, of course, Shallan could see her shape moving through the stacks of books throughout the room. However, she couldn't help but worry that Jasnah had gotten fed up with her annoying... whatever she did. Her essence, she supposed. Annoyingness. That was a word, right? Eventually, though, Jasnah made her way back to the table, and Shallan scrambled to hide her sketchpad from view. Jasnah looked at her questioningly, but much to Shallan's relief, didn't comment on her behavior.

"I swear, darling, there are more ways of organizing books than the number of books themselves here, and yet no one has bothered to even alphabetized them, or at the very least, categorize them by subject! In my search for a historical document, I ran across six cookbooks, four psychiatry books, eleven copies of that dreadful etiquette handbook, and even a play about _mating Greatshells?_ Why that subject? Why a play, of all things?" Jasnah tossed her hands up in the air and let them drop to her side. As much as Shallan knew the woman was frustrated, she couldn't help but feel like laughing. Not at Jasnah- never at Jasnah- but at how utterly _comfortable_ she was ranting to Shallan, and at how much Shallan herself wanted to stay this close to Jasnah for as long as possible. Shallan, instead of laughing, managed to reduce it down to a small smile. Jasnah pressed her lips together. "I know, it sounds petty of me, I'll admit that. But I just didn't necessarily want to find some of those works along the way. I'm not used to having to sort through all of this..." She left off, giving Shallan the perfect opportunity to cut in.

"I could help you, if you wanted," she offered, and Jasnah nodded, shrugging.

"Only if you want to, darling, I was sure you'd rather stay here and draw rather than peruse the stacks and hear me passive-aggressively talking to the books. However, don't let that make you think I don't want your company, I'd love to, uh, I mean, I love the positivity you always bring," she said. Shallan ignored Jasnah's stammer, filing it away for later. She stood up and carefully closed her sketchbook, placing it face-down on the chair for extra measure, hoping it wouldn't smudge. Again, Jasnah noticed but did not comment. Just then, an evil smirk graced Shallan's lips. An idea occurred to her.

"Jas, wait for a minute," she said. Looking slightly confused, Jasnah turned around and walked the two steps back to the table where Shallan was standing. Was she blushing? That nickname seemed to make her react. _Interesting._ Shallan inhaled some Stormlight from her pouch, projecting an illusion of them being underwater, looking up to the surface. Two Greatshells were mingling together, and then...

"Aaaaahhh! Storms alight, Shallan, don't do that!" As piercing as her tone was, there was a smile on Jasnah's face as she said it, though her eyes were still wide with horror. Shallan dropped the illusion, laughing the entire time, and shrugged, implying that Jasnah had it coming. She kind of did, after telling her about the play. What else should she expect? Jasnah huffed, and took hold of Shallan's elbow, steering her away before she could do any more damage. Not that Shallan didn't still have spheres on her, but she'd be preoccupied with books before then. Lost in her thoughts, which at this point had turned to potential improvements to her art piece, Shallan accidentally bumped into Jasnah from the side, who let go of her arm and laughed, for the second time that day. Shallan inhaled suddenly from the slight jolt, accidentally drawing in Stormlight. Jasnah's jaw dropped as the illusion of the two of them appeared, and Shallan’s eyes widened in horror, quickly dropping the illusion. “So that’s what you’ve been working on all day,” Jasnah said softly. Shallan didn’t know what to say. Instead of stuttering out an apology, she simply looked down at the ground. Interesting carpet, indeed. She felt Jasnah's hand on her chin, gently tilting it up to face her. “I can’t say I mind, darling,” she said slowly, as if savoring her words.

“Wait, I didn’t mean to do that, it just, um, I got startled and breathed in too deep. It wasn’t really that, uh, y’know, uh, it wasn’t what it looked like,” Shallan’s words stumbled out of her mouth, trying her best to redeem… whatever it had been between them. Jasnah took a sharp breath in.

“Pity.” Jasnah spoke in a low voice, enunciating both syllables, not angrily, but in what seemed to be… _teasing?_ Her eyebrow raised, she turned to fully face Shallan, whose heart was beating a thousand miles a minute.

_"What?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, the suspense is killing me, y'all! I promise next chapter, the two will finally get some action. (And what do mating Greatshells _look_ like, anyway? You don't want to know.) As always, let me know if there's anything I can improve on.
> 
> After writing this, I swear I'm going to turn into the gay person who calls everyone darling because I love it, I love it, I love it! Have an amazing day, darlings!


	7. It Could Hurt You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens!

_"What?"_ Jasnah noticed the other girl's voice getting softer, and just wanted to- _No. Remember that she's practically married!_ Her thoughts cried for her to step back, to move away from Shallan and this undeniable attraction she held for her. Jasnah did the illogical thing, and stepped even closer to Shallan, resting a hand on her back and the other on her cheek, but leaving space for her to back out if she wanted. Shallan didn't back out, instead leaning close to Jasnah until their bodies were flush. Jasnah leaned down and pressed her lips to Shallan's. It was heaven, and Jasnah couldn't help but absolutely love the way Shallan's hands found their way to Jasnah's face, cradling it as they continued the gentle kiss. Neither of them wanted to move, only to stay in that moment for as long as possible. They paused to catch their breaths, and Shallan leaned in again. As much as Jasnah desperately wanted to do that a million times over again, a sliver of her self-control returned, and she brushed a finger against Shallan's lips.

"We need to talk, darling," was all Jasnah said. Shallan gave a tiny nod, and rested her head on Jasnah's shoulder. The breath on her neck made her feel like she was going crazy, and she wanted more, more, but she couldn't have it. She felt lips press against the side of her neck, and she exhaled shakily. "Shallan," she said, sounding out of breath, but the girl heard the pleading behind her voice, and stood back. Taking her hand, Jasnah led them back to the table and chairs where the sketchbook lay. Shallan picked it up and handed it to Jasnah. This looked like the sketchbook she said was off limits. _Right? The green cover?_ She couldn't be sure, but they looked very similar.. "May I?", she asked, wanting to make sure that Shallan was good sharing it. She nodded, and so Jasnah lifted the cover, making her way through the drawings. Her jaw dropped at the intricacy of the lines, how Shallan somehow caught her own face so well on the paper. "These are all of me," she said in wonder, flipping through the book, admiring each image. Shallan nodded again, looking shyly at Jasnah.

"Except for the last one. That was both of us," Shallan remarked, shrugging a shoulder as she did so. Jasnah smiled. _She's much too sweet, I can't even-_ her thoughts drifted away as she made a split-second decision to sit down in her chair and gently pull Shallan onto her lap, not letting go of her hand all the while. Jasnah felt Shallan lean into her, at ease with where she was. "Jas, I'm sorry. I just-" Jasnah tried to interject but Shallan put a finger to Jasnah's lips, much as she herself had done earlier to Shallan. "I need to say this. I didn't mean to... throw myself at you, I guess, I just haven't felt this close and comfortable and _safe_ with anyone else ever, before you. I don't know how in Roshar this could possibly work, but I just feel like I want to spend every possible second with you. I can't explain it, Jas. I'm sorry," she said with a sigh. Why was Shallan blaming this on herself? _It was_ me _who initiated the closeness,_ me _who had been the desperate one, who ignored all thoughts of self-control until the last possible second! I need to explain..._ Jasnah hugged Shallan tighter.

"I haven't been much different, darling," Jasnah began. "The one thing I don't want is for you to get hurt. That includes blaming any of this on yourself. It was mutual, Shallan." She looked at Jasnah in disbelief. "It really was. Storms, you don't know _how_ much I wanted to do that since I met you. And, I suppose, because I told you that, I owe you some explanations. When I first met you, I thought we were just like-minded, that I wanted someone with a similar love for scholarship as a ward. Soon enough, I realized that wasn't the case. It wasn't only because you were incredibly insightful and kind. I was attracted to you. And so I ran. I could never have told you, because I was too storming _scared_. So, I arranged the betrothal, hoping that it would make things easier for me, and that way it would assure that you would be able to stay in my life. To be honest, I was heartbroken when you showed such excitement for Adolin. That meant you didn't like me back. I had already told myself that, of course, but the affirmation made it seem utterly and completely _true_. I busied myself with my work, and then was coronated, so I had even _more_ work I could use to distract myself from the mess that my love life was. Not that I had much of one, but you know what I mean. I've hoped and dreamed of that moment, but I never thought that it would actually occur, or that you felt the same." It was hard opening up emotions, but once she started, everything just poured out. "And I'm not going to pretend I'm a particularly nice person, or that I've ever done anything remotely as, I don't quite know, as different? As this? And I keep thinking this has to be a dream, because why would the most perfect girl in the universe like _me?_ I'm sorry for all the emotional junk. Storms, I'm not used to confiding in people this much. I've never trusted anyone, but I trust you. I can't..." _I can't resist you._ Jasnah leaned down and once more captured Shallan's lips in hers. They stayed perfectly still, as if any motion might shock them out of this, and they'd both realize this was just a dream. Eventually, they broke away, both of them smiling at each other.

"Jas, I don't want to leave here. I don't want to have to go back to Kholinar. I want to stay here with you, and I didn't fully understand why until just now. Everything's simpler here, I just want to stay," Shallan said, eyes locked with Jasnah's.

"I do too, darling. I do too."

"We should find that book, though, shouldn't we?" Shallan asked, with a fake pout. Jasnah nodded. _I don't think I'll ever get used to how cute she is._

"Unfortunately, we should." Shallan pressed a kiss to Jasnah's cheek before standing up, and holding out a hand for Jasnah. She took it, and they walked hand in hand to the stacks. After much searching, as well as Shallan teasing Jasnah about the Greatshells, they located the book they were looking for on Radiant theory. Of course, it was the second book from the bottom of the stack. "I believe we'll have to move all of these books to get to it," Jasnah said with a tone that conveyed _Oh my, this will be fun._ She got to work moving books from the top of the shoulder-high stack.

"I know! Let's just use physics!" Shallan exclaimed suddenly. Jasnah raised an eyebrow. "We just pull the book from under it fast enough, and it won't tip!" Jasnah chuckled.

"I tried that once, and ended up with a broken pinky toe. Best not risk it," she responded. Shallan was unfazed.

"It _should_ work, though, it works with flat rocks," she protested. Jasnah shook her head, smiling.

"Darling, as happy as I am that you're utilizing your knowledge, we'd need a lot of force behind the pull in order to make the book come out of the stack, not accounting for the friction between the books themselves and the potential unbalance of the ones on top of it if we pull the book out at even a slight angle. I think we're better off moving these books to other stacks. Or just creating a new stack next to it. That's most likely the easiest option." Shallan still was unconvinced, but helped Jasnah make a new stack anyway. She retrieved the book for Jasnah, who smiled gratefully. "We might want to move somewhere else, there's more light back in our quarters for me to read by than in here, ironically." Shallan nodded.

"Your room or mine?" Jasnah's smile got bigger after Shallan's words. It was no longer a question of what floor they wanted to be on. Now, the only question was whose quarters they both wanted to be in, and she loved that. She loved Shal- _Kholin, it's much too soon. Shut up. Plus, she's pretty much married,_ Jasnah thought, but the other part of her said, _You storming fool, you kissed! Twice! Do you really think that's such a far-fetched idea?_ Internally shaking her head at herself, she realized she still needed to answer Shallan.

"I'd say most likely mine, as I have a bit more space. Are you good with that, darling?" Jasnah asked. Shallan nodded, once again taking Jasnah's hand in hers. As they were walking, Shallan looked thoughtful. "Something on your mind, darling?" Shallan seemed somewhat surprised that Jasnah had noticed.

"I don't know if-" she left off, and Jasnah nodded encouragingly. "If I'm going too far, please tell me, I'm sorry. Um, could I maybe... uh, moveintoyourroom?" Shallan's words were rushed. _Storms alight, does she even have to ask? I've been waiting for this since... I don't know when!_

"Darling, of course! We can stop by your quarters and move all of your stuff. Does that sound like a plan?" Shallan nodded eagerly, with a big smile. When they reached Shallan's quarters, she gathered her belongings. Jasnah helped carry some things, but for the most part, Shallan was still pretty much packed, and thus able to carry it herself. After all, they had only been there a day or two. _How is she_ still _so storming cute?_ Jasnah wondered as Shallan ran full speed back down the hall with her things, her hair bouncing up and down. Jasnah followed, walking at a much slower pace. When she entered the room, Shallan was waiting.

"What took you so long?" Shallan joked, and Jasnah chuckled. She wasn't used to laughing this much, and frankly, her mouth hurt from smiling so much. Occupational hazard, she supposed. Or more like relational hazard? She didn't know. Shallan had wanted to share a room, so she supposed that was most definitely progress, but Jasnah couldn't help but be worried about what would happen in the future. Would Shallan run back to Adolin once they were back? It would only be fair, she guessed, but that didn't stop the pain from reaching her heart when she thought about it. "Is something wrong? Should I not move in? I'm sorry..." Jasnah silenced her by walking forward and kissing her. _I could get used to this,_ she thought again. _I might even already be used to it._ She smiled at the thought, and Shallan took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Jasnah raised her eyebrows in surprise at Shallan's boldness, but gladly reciprocated. They stayed in each others' arms for awhile after, but eventually Jasnah slowly moved them toward the couch. When they sat down, Jasnah took the opportunity to speak.

"Darling," she began, "this might be a hard conversation to have. I can't say I'd rather have it now than later, quite honestly I wish we wouldn't have to talk about it at all." Shallan looked concerned. "It's about Adolin." Shallan's eyes closed and she grimaced, but nodded. "What do you suggest we do in this situation and moving forward? I want you to make this decision, because it's _your_ marriage and life that is in the toughest spot, and I'll support you and your decision, whatever you choose. Even if it..." Jasnah let out a pained sigh. "Even if it tears us back apart."

"No." Shallan's reply was quick and sharp. "I'm not going back. I want to be happy. That means I'm staying with you no matter what for as long as possible. About Adolin, though-" she thought for a second. "I'm honestly not sure what to do. He still loves me- at least last I checked, he did- so I don't know. I suppose we'd have to tell him, but the amount of press that would get, especially if he gets bitter? 'Highprince's Bride-to-be's Affair with the Queen'?" Jasnah inwardly winced. Shallan was right, this _was_ an affair, but the word hurt. Affairs were always such detestable things, and yet here she was, the Queen, for Stormfather's sake, having one of her own. And yet it felt so _right._ Not the affair part, of course, she hated the word and its application to her personally, but being with Shallan felt right. Like it was meant to be, whatever that implied. "I'm just unsure. I feel like with you, I could conquer anything. Including Adolin's wrath," Shallan said with a laugh. "Are you okay with that?" _Storms, yes,_ Jasnah's brain supplied for her. Instead of following her brain's suggested words, she nodded, smiling. She wouldn't lose Shallan, after all. Relieved, Jasnah let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding. Suddenly, she noticed her spanreed blinking.

"Who would've contacted me?" she asked aloud, hating to change the subject from something important, but she'd most likely forget about the spanreed if she didn't face it now. Her brain immediately supplied her with the answer to her question. Navani. Of course. She hadn't finished copying the notes to her via the spanreed because of everything going on. Or, well, Shallan. Not that she minded at all, being around Shallan was _way_ better than work. Jasnah walked over to the spanreed, the light flashing. She picked up the quill, and Navani immediately wrote to her, _I'm coming tomorrow for the rest of the notes in person, because that might make you less distracted from your work. I'm obviously bringing a Knight Radiant to work the Oathgates, but they will not be accompanying me past the Oathgate itself. This is not a punishment. I need the manuscripts as soon as possible for both of our benefits._ Jasnah glanced at Shallan, worriedly. _Oh, it's not a problem,_ Jasnah wrote back, _I can copy the remainder of the notes down for you immediately, that way you won't have to expend the Stormlight to get here._ Navani quickly replied. _No need, it's all arranged already, no use cancelling. I'll be there in time for lunch tomorrow._ Navani disconnected. Jasnah sighed, but then felt a hand rubbing her back. She leaned into the touch, grateful for the comfort Shallan provided.

"Why don't we have an early dinner, and you can fill me in on what's up?" Shallan asked, clearly concerned about her. Jasnah nodded gratefully and stood up, taking Shallan's hand. When they were seated at their table, waiting on their second meal of chouta that day, Jasnah explained the circumstances.

"Navani is coming tomorrow. I tried to stop her, but of course she didn't listen, as stubborn as always. Not that I can say anything, being myself, but she did insist rather harshly." Shallan nodded, thoughtfully. _Well, this is something we certainly didn't account for,_ Jasnah thought. _Adolin, sure, but Dalinar and Navani? They were skeptical enough of Shallan at first when she was with Adolin. If this reaches them... No. Don't think about that. What if we just acted like we have been? Like she's not there? That could work._

"So we should maybe keep our distance tomorrow? I really don't want to, but if it would be easier for you, I'll do it, even with as much as I want to be in the same room as you every waking minute of my life," she said with a sad chuckle. "Do I need to move back into my room?" Jasnah shook her head, and Shallan continued. "It's up to you. She's more your family than mine, and like you said earlier, I'll support you through whatever you choose," she said encouragingly.

"Here's what we'll do..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey darlings! Sorry for not posting in a few days, I might end up releasing every week due to college and extracurriculars. This was my favorite chapter to write so far, so I hope y'all enjoyed it as much as I did! As always, input is appreciated if there's anything I can work on. Have a great day!


	8. I Can't Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Navani pays them a visit... this should be fun.

"Here's what we'll do," Jasnah said, and Shallan sighed in relief. Jas had a plan. That was good. Shallan secretly hoped that she'd tell her that Navani wouldn't care, that they'd be alright, but she knew that wasn't possible. As far as Navani knew, Shallan was deeply in love with Adolin and would beg her to go back to Kholinar to see him. Shallan internally shook her head at that. _How did I not figure out I was into Jasnah before? _"I'm fairly certain she won't notice a bit as long as we're in a different room than her as much as possible. I'll say it was easier having you in the same room for the research so I could discuss ideas with you." Jasnah left off, and Shallan nodded but then looked at Jasnah with an eyebrow raised.__

"With only one cot?" Shallan teased. Jasnah opened her mouth as if to reply but quickly closed it and looked down, blushing. _I swear I'll never get over her blushing,_ Shallan thought.

"I suppose we _should_ move the other one into our room, shouldn't we?" Shallan gave her a small smile and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face as a servant came out with their chouta and two waters. "We can do that after dinner," Jasnah said, nodding to the servant in thanks. They dug into their food, Shallan humming softly as she took a bite. Jasnah looked at her with an expression Shallan couldn't read.

"What? It tastes good!" Shallan protested.

"I know, darling," Jasnah smiled, but the expression didn't drop from her face. _Did I do something wrong? She's not breaking eye contact with me no matter what. Should I not have ordered chouta again? They said they could make it when I asked, and I want to savor the taste while I can still have it for as many meals as possible. What did I do?_ Jasnah must have noticed that Shallan's mind was racing, because she asked, "Darling, are you alright?" Shallan quickly nodded and finished chewing.

"I just didn't know what-" she paused, trying to figure out what she would say. "Uh, I just didn't know what your facial expression was, I was just trying to figure out..." Shallan left off, confused as to why Jasnah was laughing.

"Darling, you're much too cute sometimes," Jasnah licked her lips and took a sip of water. "That's all, I promise." Shallan nodded, satisfied with the answer, although still not quite knowing how to read Jasnah as she managed to read Shallan herself. They finished eating in a comfortable silence, and afterwards made their way toward Shallan's old room to grab her cot. When they got into the room, Shallan ran in and tried to drag the cot out, but it didn't budge until she drew some Stormlight and pulled. It scraped across the floor rather loudly, and Jasnah just watched from the doorway with an amused smile on her face. "Somewhat hard to move it across the stone floor, isn't it?" Jasnah asked. Shallan faked to pout, and Jasnah's smile grew into a laugh. She stepped into the room, and took one of the long sides. Lifting it up and making sure it wasn't scraping anything, Jasnah carried it down the hallway. Shallan stared, open-mouthed. _How did she do that!? _"You coming, darling?" Jasnah's voice echoed from down the hall. Shallan snapped out of it, and ran after Jasnah. She set the cot down on the opposite side of the room from her own.__

____

__

"How did you do that?" Shallan asked. "I mean, move the cot like that," she clarified.

"Oh, it's actually rather light as long as it's not dragging against anything. I've always assumed it had something to do with the spheres that are embedded in the frame." Jasnah explained, and Shallan nodded in understanding, though still trying to figure out how that was possible. Jasnah walked closer to Shallan, embracing her and leaning in. Shallan smiled and closed the distance between them. Storms, she loved being able to do this, kissing Jasnah without any regrets, she felt so safe in her embrace. Eventually, they broke away to catch their breaths and Jasnah took her hand, pulling her to the couch. Shallan sat down next to Jasnah, leaning against her. "You know, darling, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," Jasnah said, and Shallan looked at her with surprise.

"Really?" She asked in disbelief; "I mean, I thought your breakthrough with all of the information about Voidbringers and Knights Radiant was pretty awesome too." She shrugged a shoulder. Jasnah shook her head, smiling.

"Sure, that may have been the highlight of my career, but quite honestly you're better than anything else in my life. Sorry, that sounded perfectly cheesy, but I mean it, you're-" She was cut off by Shallan.

"You're rambling, Jas, I lo- I mean, you're the highlight of my life, too," Shallan said, quickly correcting herself before she said something she regretted. _Stormfather, I can't keep slipping like that. Come on, Shallan, you've only_ really _known her for a day or two, and you're already almost professing your love for her? What about Adolin?_ she thought. _Shut up, don't think about him right now. He ruins your mood._ That much was definitely true. Every time she second-guessed herself, every time she even so much as thought about what he would think, her expression soured as much as her temperament. _Never mind that or anything I said. Just savor this before Navani's here tomorrow,_ she told herself. So she shifted positions until she was in essentially the same position as she was that morning. It didn't feel like it had only been a day, it had felt like weeks, even months since she and Jasnah had started... whatever this was. _I suppose it has,_ Shallan thought. _Now that I think about it, it's been months that I've danced around Jasnah, always defending her because "I studied under her, she's amazing, trust me."_ "Would you read a manuscript to me?" Shallan asked for the second time that day. Jasnah's smile that had been present throughout Shallan's internal monologue grew wider.

"Of course, darling," she said quietly. Jasnah reached for the scroll that hadn't been moved from the top of the couch since that morning, and started reading from where she left off. _"The issue with this mentality, is, in fact, the very framework from which the doctrine is derived. No soldier nor nobleperson is able to dispute this..."_ Jasnah continued reading. Somehow she made even the dullest of subjects (no offense to Jasnah of course,) incredibly captivating. She made Rosharian philosophy sound as interesting as Radiant history! Shallan realized that she would have to go back to her old life eventually, but in this moment, she was content. Content in Jasnah's arms, content listening to her read, content to be able to kiss her whenever she wanted. Shallan was growing sleepy and yawned. "Am I really that boring, darling?" Jasnah joked. Shallan shook her head and smiled.

"I'm just tired," she said, and Jasnah nodded knowingly, laying down the manuscript. They both sat up at the same time, and Shallan captured Jasnah's lips once more before standing up. Jasnah stood up behind her, and Shallan felt her hand rest on her back. She turned around to face Jasnah and rested her head on her shoulder.

"Here darling, we should get to bed," Jasnah said, stroking her hair. Shallan nodded, and they walked to the cot and layed down, face to face. Shallan took hold of Jasnah's hand, and drifted off in a peaceful sleep.

  


\----------------------------------------- 

  


The next morning when Shallan awoke, she thought she vaguely remembered half-hearing Jasnah whisper something about Navani being here soon. Shallan opened her eyes fully, noting that she was alone in the room. She got up and put on a dark blue dress, heading out to find Jasnah. She found her at the Oathgate entrance, and greeted Jasnah with a smile.

"Good morning, darling," Jasnah said, giving Shallan a quick kiss. "You look stunning, as always," Jasnah said, and Shallan blushed, shyly muttering a "you too" before a sound from the Oathgate captured their attention. Navani stepped out, with her regal and I-know-better-than-you attitude coming full force at both of them. She wasted no time.

"So, where are the MAnuscripts?" Navani asked Jasnah, seeming to pay no attention to Shallan. _Oh well, I suppose it's better for me to be off her radar rather than her watching my every move,_ Shallan thought. She followed them as Jasnah led Navani to her quarters where all of the papers were neatly stacked. _She must have done that this morning,_ Shallan thought, noting that the manuscript was now missing from the couch. Navani glanced at the manuscripts and sat down in the chair behind the desk like she owned the place. Shallan furrowed her eyebrows but said nothing. Jasnah must have noticed because she quickly walked over to Shallan. She started rubbing her back, and Shallan smiled, relaxing. They were still good. "Is this ALl?" Navani asked, still clueless, much to Shallan's relief, to what was going on between her and Jasnah. Shallan thought she saw Navani glance at them out of the corner of her eye, but when she looked at Navani, the woman's eyes were on the papers. Weird.

"Yes," Jasnah responded dryly. _What? Oh, the manuscripts. Snap out of it, Shallan,_ she scolded herself. Navani nodded and continued reading. Shallan looked at Jasnah, hoping that she would catch her expression of _What do I do now?_ Jasnah seemed to get it, as she excused the both of them to get breakfast. Shallan was sure that Jasnah had eaten already, but didn't mind that they both were going to the dining hall. "You okay, darling?" Jasnah asked. "I know that this is somewhat strange, I know it definitely is for me." Shallan nodded.

"It's weird, I feel like she's not paying attention to me but watching my every move at the same time," Shallan explained, and Jasnah nodded.

"That's Navani, all right," Jasnah gave a half-hearted chuckle. "Always treating everyone else like they're under her. I'm feeling it, and I'm the _Queen,_ for Stormfather's sake!" Shallan laughed, Jasnah joining in after a second or two.

"I just have no clue what to do, and I know you said we could act normal when she wasn't in the room, but I _still_ feel like she's somehow watching me. That's weird, I'm sorry..." Shallan left off.

"Darling, I get exactly what you mean," Jasnah responded, and Shallan sighed in relief. She wasn't the only one, that was good. Jasnah continued. "Realistically, or rather, conceptually, she should not be opposed to this, seeing how she went right to Dalinar after the death of Elhokar, but you know how she is. Blunt, doesn't think before she speaks, acts as if _she's_ queen. I know that I'm with her on the first one, but honestly that's probably genetic. Storms alight, I don't know how much she's already picked up, but if she finds out, she'll probably only give a lecture and tell us to stop and not let Dalinar find out. He's the most dangerous, other than Adolin, at this point," Jasnah explained. A servant approached and Shallan ordered breakfast, Jasnah politely declining. So she _had_ already eaten. Shallan shook her head and smiled. How was Jasnah so, well, everything? Nice, kind, drop-dead _gorgeous_ , empathetic, overall just perfect, but also incredibly smart, too! _Stormfather, Shallan, stop staring at her!_ she scolded herself. _She's waiting for you to respond, for storms' sake!_

__

__

"U-Uh, yeah, that makes sense," Shallan said after some thought, which was mostly trying to remember exactly what Jasnah had said. "Dalinar wouldn't be able to do _too_ much though, right? You're queen, after all," Shallan quipped. Jasnah nodded slowly, lips pursing slightly.

"I'm not sure," she said at last. "On the one hand, yes, I'm the queen, so I should be able to do conceivably anything I wanted to. On the other hand, however, precedent implies that if I directly disobey or overturn Dalinar's requests, he'd be considered an enemy of the state, and we know how that'd go." Shallan gave a nod in understanding. The servant came back with their food right then, so Shallan dug in. Jasnah just sat there watching with a cute expression on her face, in a comfortable silence. The second Shallan was done, she stood up, and grabbing Jasnah's hand, sprinted down the hallway to her old room, giggling when Jasnah almost tripped. They burst into the empty quarters, both of them bent over laughing. When they calmed down a bit, Jasnah stepped forward, taking Shallan's right hand in her own to pull her even closer. Their breaths lingered in the air in front of them, and Shallan giggled. "Too much suspense, darling," Jasnah whispered, smiling.

"JASnah KHOlin!" A voice suddenly boomed from down the hallway. The two jumped in surprise. A slightly flushed Jasnah ran out of the room, pulling Shallan with her, but suddenly stopped just outside the doorway, and Shallan's momentum accidentally spun her around so that she landed facing the same way as Jasnah, but with her back to her, who unconsciously wrapped her arms around Shallan. Oops. _So much for subtlety,_ Shallan thought, slightly embarrassed. _Maybe she didn't notice?_ "What in STORMFATHER'S name are you DOing over there?" Okay, so Navani noticed. "NEver mind. I don't WANt to knOW." She had a way of speaking that enunciated some syllables enough to almost sound like yelling, but not quite make it all the way there. Though, Shallan was positive that Navani would be able to yell for real if she wanted to. "There's a MISSing PAge in the jOUrnals. Do you KNOw where it is?" Jasnah shook her head, and Navani gave a small harrumph. "DavAR, fetch us some WAters. So, JASnah, you have NO idea whERE it could have GOne?"

"No I don't, and _Shallan_ is not your servant. We have plenty of paid staff around who can help you retrieve some water, I know how _arduous_ of a task it can be." Navani's brow somehow furrowed even more than it already was.

"Careful, Jas, your sarcasm is showing," Shallan whispered. Jasnah held her tighter and breathed a quick "thanks" in her ear.

"FIne, but have Davar LEAve us to discuss the more impORtant MAtters." Navani insisted. Shallan shifted slightly to signal to Jasnah that it was fine, that she could go, but Jasnah wasn't having it. She took a deep reach before she spoke, a sign that Shallan recognized as both anxiety and exasperation, mixed in one. Huh, she could read Jasnah better than she thought. Shallan put her hands on Jasnah's, the least she could do to signify that she was here for her.

"First off, again, _Shallan,_ has helped me with every single step of my research." Jasnah began.

"And clEARly some other things, TOo," Navani interrupted. Shallan tensed, and Jasnah sharply inhaled. _Shit._

"Secondly," Jasnah continued, voice raised slightly, "she also is of almost as much status as you yourself, so I suggest that you don't challenge that." Navani looked annoyed, but agreed, albeit quite huffily and only after muttering several things under her breath that Shallan didn't care to hear. Navani turned around, walking back to their room, clearly expecting the two of them to follow. Jasnah let go of Shallan, but let her hand trace around her neck and down her arm to reach Shallan's hand, who suddenly had goosebumps. They walked at a very leisurely pace down the hallway, not at all like the manner in which they came minutes ago. "Are you alright?" Jasnah suddenly asked. Shallan nodded.

"I think so," she responded. "It's somewhat hard to hold myself together in front of Navani, no offense to her, of course, but having you here helps. A lot." Jasnah smiled at that.

"I'm glad I can be of some help, darling," she responded softly. They walked down the rest of the hall in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi darlings, I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in awhile! I've had less motivation to write lately because I've already been writing two papers a week for my English Comp course, but I turned in an expository essay yesterday and was like, I really want to write fiction instead of fucking essays for once jaja so anyway here's a new chapter, hope you enjoy! As always, feedback is appreciated, let me know where I could improve (other than posting more regularly jaja). Love y'all!
> 
> Also sorry for making Navani out to be such a bitch, I felt like someone besides Adolin should also have a bit of an odd character. I'll hopefully be able to post more regularly, but I can't make any promises. Definitely in December and January, though!


	9. Opposites Attract

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talks with Navani, and returns are negociated.

When they reached their room, Navani was waiting at the doorway impatiently, with a look on her face that meant, "what took you so long?" Jasnah shook her head. Navani being Navani, as always. Not that Jasnah and her mother had ever been very close, but that exchange had driven a wedge between them. Navani no longer trusted her, as it was clear to see. Though, Shallan seemed to bear the brunt of Navani's attack, leaving Jasnah relatively unscathed. She didn't like that. It was _she_ who'd initiated this mess, who allowed Shallan to get close enough to her heart, all else be damned. _But of course I did,_ Jasnah thought. _I storming love her!_ Jasnah took a deep breath to calm herself before speaking, not letting go of Shallan's hand all the while. _Let her think what she will. She's caught on quick enough, already._

"You said there was a missing page?" Jasnah asked, though she already knew the answer. Navani scoffed.

"Yes, I sAId that," she replied. "You dON't know whERE it is?" Jasnah saw Shallan stifle a smile out of the corner of her eye and did her best to not laugh. Oh, the things Shallan caused her to do.

"No, but we can look in various places around here. It can't have gone too far, we haven't been outside the building yet, and the only places it could be are..." she thought for a second. "Here, the cafeteria, and..." _How is she so cute?_ Storms, she lost her train of thought.

"And the library," Shallan finished. Jasnah looked at her and blushed, but quickly looked down. She never used to be this- what should she call it?- emotional? Navani didn't seem to notice their quick exchange, but Jasnah couldn't trust that.

"Well? WhAT are you WAiting for?" Navani asked. Jasnah looked at her in confusion. "Oh, cOMe on! Go and fIND the PAper!" She was about to leave with Shallan when Navani called Shallan to wait there. _Oh, no,_ Jasnah thought, looking worriedly at Shallan, who returned a quick look that said, "I'll be alright," so Jasnah walked out, heading for the library first. She hadn't really gone anywhere without Shallan since they'd arrived, now that she thought about it, and everything felt so empty without her smile and presence beside Jasnah. It had been so relaxing, being with Shallan all alone, without anyone else around. She had really opened up, now that she thought about it, and actually hadn't minded it! After being so guarded her whole life, it was both terrifying and incredibly freeing to be able to really _talk_ with someone like her. And being closer than she'd ever been with anyone else? Even better! She reached the library, finding one other scholar inside. He probably lived in one of the abandoned apartments outside, the only quest that mattered in his life to study. An admirable trait, really. Jasnah walked over to the table where she and Shallan had sat, pondering the time they had spent there. It felt like forever ago, how had it been only a day? No papers that she could see, but of course that meant nothing in the mountains and rainbows of books stacked randomly around the room. She headed back up the stairs once again, passing their room, where she heard Navani.

"I knOW you're YOUng, but that's no exCUse to do... whaTEVer this is. I'll let it slIDE, but dON'T tell DALinar. YOU're wALking on a fINE lINE, DavAR!" Jasnah cringed and kept going, this time almost running to get back as soon as she could. Not in the cafeteria. Bursting into their room, she looked at Shallan's expression. _Storms, I shouldn't have left her here with Navani. I didn't know she'd chastise her!_ However, another voice in her head argued, _What did you expect Navani to do? Make tea?_ Shallan was keeping a calm exterior, but Jasnah could tell that she was uncomfortable and hurt. _Storms._ Jasnah quickly walked over to Shallan and put an arm around her shoulders, hugging her close.

"You good, darling?" she whispered in Shallan's ear, trying not to let Navani in on how Shallan actually was feeling.

"I'll be alright," she whispered back. "I'm Pine right now, so I'm a bit stronger than normal."

"Pine?" Jasnah asked in confusion.

"I'll tell you later," Shallan said as Navani turned to them.

"I fOUnd the PAper," Navani said. Of course she did. Why didn't Jasnah think that Navani hadn't had it all along? Jasnah sighed, and Shallan hugged her tighter.

"I see that," Jasnah said curtly in reply.

"JAsnah, I REally thINk you should go BAck to KHolinar," Navani said. Ah, so _that_ was why Navani came in person. To lure the both of them back to society, where they couldn't hide away and spend as much time together. _Well, just you wait and see, I don't care what Navani implies. I can see my-_ Wait, what was Shallan, exactly? They were way past friends, at this point, but what did that leave? Maybe not girlfriends, even though Jasnah considered them as such, because it's not like the both of them decided upon that. _Whatever,_ Jasnah dismissed. _I'll find a way to do this even if Navani tries to pry us apart._

"And why is that, Navani?" Jasnah said in a fake sugary-sweet tone. Shallan was holding in laughter, Jasnah noticed with a smile.

Navani sputtered. "I- you- erm, uh- I mean, um, reSEArch," she spit out. At this point, Shallan was having a _very_ hard time holding in her laughter, apparently not breathing in order to try to stop. Jasnah was enjoying this, so she decided to prolong it.

"I thought we were doing valuable research here. After all, the reason we came here was to have access to this library. Why should we go back?" Shallan burst out a guffaw, trying to cover it with a cough, and it was all Jasnah could do to stop herself from laughing, as well.

"BecAUse," Navani replied, slightly exasperated, "It's, erm, good to go bACk once in a whILE."

"We've only been here three days." Jasnah was a bit exasperated too, at the moment. Navani was being insufferable.

"No mATter," she said, and Jasnah raised her eyebrows. "I'm enTRUsting you with MOving books from this liBRAry to KHolinar. Do it by tomORrow. I'm SAying this as yOur MOther." Of course she tacked that on at the end, if Navani hadn't, she would've been crazy for ordering the queen around. Jasnah sighed. Having parents while being on the throne was terrible. How had Elkohar even managed? "WhAT are yoU wAITing for? Go on!" Navani waved them off, and Shallan scurried out of the room, Jasnah following closely behind.

\-----------------------------------------

"How are we supposed to move all of these?" Shallan asked as soon as they reached the landing, gesturing towards the stacks and stacks of books. Jasnah hesitated at the mess that stood in front of her. How _would_ they do it? She had never moved a library before, there were always servants to do it back in Kholinar, and Jasnah didn't want to risk Navani's wrath if she found out that they had servants helping them. She really didn't know what would happen. So, the safest thing to do would be to move everything themselves. Which left them in this quandary, once again.

"Carts would make the most sense, though getting them up the stairs might be a problem. If using the Oathgate were possible, that would be a good alternative, as well, but unfortunately, that's not an option. Do you have any thoughts, darling?" They thought for a minute.

"Carts seem like the best option," Shallan conceded. Jasnah sighed. This would be fun.

They worked all morning, not even stopping for lunch, and soon it turned to afternoon, and then evening. When they finally had managed to cart the last of the books up the stone stairs, Jasnah took Shallan's hand, leading her back down.

"Did we miss anyhing?" Shallan asked, comfusedly. Jasnah shook her head.

"I just wanted to spend as much time with you-" she fell silent, trying to maintain her composure. Jasnah sat against the wall on the landing, Shallan quickly moving to lean against her. Soon, Shallan was maneuvered so that she was completely in Jasnah's arms, staring at her with her pretty eyes. "You don't know how amazing these past few days have been for me, darling," Jasnah said softly. She thought she heard a noise in the stairwell, but saw nothing. Probably her imagination. A few days ago, a few months ago, she never would have believed anything was her imagination. Was that for better, or for worse?

"Me too, Jas," Shallan said. "And I swear, anything that happens once we get back to Kholinar won't change anything about how... you know..." she left off, but Jasnah nodded in understanding.

"And I likewise."

"But it doesn't matter as much for you as it does me, Jas, I'm going to have to be a part of the charade. Adolin-" Shallan shook her head, and Jasnah held her closer.

"It'll be alright, darling, I promise."

"How do you know?" Jasnah sighed.

"Storms, darling, I really _don't_ know, and that scares me. I've always felt like I've had my life under control, like I had everything I needed to succeed. I've had knowledge and logic and-" she paused, thinking. "That changed. Not completely, but noticeably. I'm not the same person, and I wouldn't change that for the world, but... I'm, I don't know, scared, I suppose. I-" Jasnah was cut off by Shallan's lips meeting hers. They stayed like that for awhile.

"You're alright, Jas, and we'll be fine," she eventually said, for what Jasnah assumed to be both their sakes.

"Stormfather, Shallan, I love you. I don't even-" Jasnah rested her head back and closed her eyes. "I can't even see my life without you, anymore. I can't control anything, my whole life-" It was Shallan's turn to comfort Jasnah.

"We'll work it out," Shallan assured her. "And I love you too, though my confession is worth less."

"It's not worth any less than mine," said Jasnah.

"But Adolin-"

"Was different."

"And you..."

"And I love you, darling." Shallan nodded slowly, blinking back tears.

"What if this is the last time we get to sit here like this, and kiss, and storms, Jasnah, I love you too much to lose you!" Her voice tapered off into a whispered heave.

"Shh, darling, I'm here now, and you're here now, and that's what matters. Do you want to talk about something different?" Shallan nodded.

"I-I can tell you about Pine, now," Shallan spoke softly, and Jasnah nodded in encouragement. "It's kind of funny, actually, well, to me it sort of is. It makes so much more sense now, and, I should get back on topic. So, a few days ago, maybe a week ago, back when we were in Kholinar before coming here, I was just realizing that you were, well, really pretty. And as I found that about myself, of course I would have to hide that, because I was- and still am- supposed to love Adolin. So, I, uh, created another person out of Stormlight."

"Pine," Jasnah said in understanding. Shallan nodded.

"I thought that it would give me the strength and characteristics that would make me love Adolin and, as stupid as it is now, stop liking you. It didn't work, of course," said Shallan, dissolving into sad laughter. "It only reinforced that I couldn't create a personality so completely seperate for myself, or well, at least not one that looked so similar to me. I drew this stupid twinkle in my eye to make me seem happier, and that was the only difference in appearance. I started using Pine, but it was... way harder than I expected. We aren't even really different people! She's slightly emotionally stronger, but I could never get over _you,_ because now that I realize that I love you, I can't change anything about it, but I still- I don't know how to make things easier for us. You know? Unless-" she left off.

"Unless what?" Jasnah asked. Shallan smiled.

"I think- okay, this will sound really weird, Jas, but I hope he's done something about it." her smile grew, and Jasnah's confusion grew. "So, the day before, or maybe two days before, I can't remember, but before we left, sometime, I was with Kaladin when he told Adolin that I was leaving for Urithiru. Adolin stormed off, all upset that I hadn't told him sooner, and the reason I didn't was because Kaladin and I had agreed that it would be better to tell him right before. Anyway, after he stormed off-"

"Wait, I think I remember that," Jasnah said suddenly. "Adolin burst into my quarters, ranting about how I was 'stealing' you-" Shallan barked out a laugh. Stormfather, she was cute.

"I guess that's what happened, though, isn't it, _darling?_ " Shallan imitated. It was Jasnah's turn to laugh.

"Darling, you really need to work on that accent. I hardly sound- what is that?- Unkalaki?" Shallan giggled.

"I have all the time in the world to perfect that, and I swear, one day I'll be able to pronounce things in that elegant way you do." Jasnah's heart melted even more.

"I... Anyway, what did Kaladin do next?" Jasnah changed the subject. She knew she couldn't take compliments.

"Oh! So, Kaladin sat down next to me, and asked if I loved Adolin, and I was like, 'is he trying to flirt with me?' It turns out, nope, the complete opposite. He likes _Adolin,_ and if he did anything about that while we were gone, that would be perfect!"

"Now that's hilarious, darling, I never would have guessed!"

" _And,_ since Kaladin's safe, so as long as he's our guard, we'll be completely fine!" _This is almost_ too _perfect,_ Jasnah thought, but didn't voice her slight concern.

"I love you, darling," she said instead, and got an echoed "I love you too, Jas," in response before she recaptured Shallan's lips in hers. They were so focused on each other that they didn't see Navani climb back up the stairs from the shadow in which she had been hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi darlings, I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've posted! My mental health has sucked lately, and so my motivation has gone waay downhill, but I'm back now, and hopefully will be able to update more frequently.
> 
> Navani's character has been super fun to write, especially given the (utter and completely unnecessary) liberties I've taken with her. Will she end up on their side, or not? We'll see! Also, moving all those books would be much easier with a Librarian (not Evil, someone like Himalaya, for instance) or someone with a Talent from Alcatraz, and I'm realizing now that a crossover would be super cool. Maybe next time.
> 
> If you notice that halfway through the chapter, the writing style changes slightly, that's because it probably has; that Comp class did me well but now makes me doubt my past writing jaja. It's strange how much a few months can change a style. Anyway, next chapter is more Kadolin, as per the pattern, so we'll see what happens there. Love y'all!


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